Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Nowadays, many companies encourage old employees to retire to make up room for the young ones. The above point is certainly true; this essay will contain some reasons that support my suggestion. First of all, the new generation has multiple advantages that outweigh the old generation, because the world we live in currently is based on the fast, frequently-generated technology. The new generation is more adapted to become updated with the modern releases of it. They master advanced technology and have greater energy to exploit than senior employees due to many aspects including the physical strength of each party. Plus they are more capable of rejuvenating their concepts as they are gaining experience. Moreover, young employees would have the opportunity, just like the older ones had theirs once in the past, to show off their skills to their boss. Eventually, by allowing the younger employee to become more involved in a beneficial way in their community, the spread of corruption would decrease gradually. As a result, the society will witness a great deal of sustainable economic production in the country. Undeniably, old employees must have left an influential impact on today's trade. And their achievements that had been accomplished in the workforce force should be appreciated after they retire. Therefore, responsible organisations should work on arranging educational centres and beneficial events for the retired senior citizens. They would fulfil their free time usefully and efficiently, like pursuing in their personal hobbies. At last, our community is based on a mixture of various age parties. For each period of time, each party obtains heir right to possess an effective role in the society. However, commercial and big companies prefer young employee because they infuse the work atmosphere with lots of young blood.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use correct expression Original: make up room Suggested revision: make room Why it matters: The standard expression meaning to create an opportunity or space is 'make room'.
- 2. Name the position clearly Original: The above point Suggested revision: This position Why it matters: 'This position' refers more precisely to the opinion stated in the task.
- 3. Keep reference consistent Original: my suggestion Suggested revision: this position Why it matters: The writer is supporting the stated opinion rather than introducing a separate suggestion.
- 4. Repair comparison Original: advantages that outweigh the old generation Suggested revision: advantages over the older generation Why it matters: Advantages can be compared with those of a group, but they cannot outweigh the group itself in this structure.
- 5. Use natural technology phrase Original: the fast, frequently-generated technology Suggested revision: rapidly changing technology Why it matters: Technology changes rapidly; it is not naturally described as 'frequently-generated'.
- 6. Fix verb construction Original: more adapted to become updated with Suggested revision: better able to keep up with Why it matters: The original combines 'adapted' and 'updated' in an ungrammatical construction.
- 7. Clarify the reference Original: modern releases of it Suggested revision: new technological developments Why it matters: The revision replaces the vague pronoun and the unsuitable term 'releases'.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: greater energy to exploit Suggested revision: more energy to apply at work Why it matters: 'Exploit energy' is an unnatural collocation in this context.
- 9. Use formal linker Original: Plus Suggested revision: Furthermore, Why it matters: 'Furthermore' is a more appropriate transition for adding a formal argument.
- 10. Clarify intended meaning Original: rejuvenating their concepts Suggested revision: updating their ideas Why it matters: People can update ideas, while 'rejuvenating concepts' is not a natural collocation here.
- 11. Simplify comparison Original: older ones had theirs once in the past Suggested revision: older workers once had Why it matters: The original uses redundant time markers and unclear substitute pronouns.
- 12. Use formal verb Original: show off Suggested revision: demonstrate Why it matters: 'Demonstrate' expresses the intended meaning in a more suitable academic register.
Suggested Rewrites
- make up room make room
- The above point This position
- my suggestion this position
- advantages that outweigh the old generation advantages over the older generation
- the fast, frequently-generated technology rapidly changing technology
- more adapted to become updated with better able to keep up with
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response presents an unmistakable position and offers several potentially relevant benefits of giving younger employees opportunities. However, the argument is unevenly developed, with unsupported leaps about corruption and productivity, tangential discussion of retirees, and no paragraph divisions. The highest priority is to organise two focused reasons into separate paragraphs and explain a credible cause-and-effect chain for each before refining the frequent awkward language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and relevant reasons are offered, but several claims are speculative, loosely connected to compulsory retirement at 55, or insufficiently supported.
Focus directly on senior high-level employees and explain two convincing reasons why retirement at 55 would create worthwhile opportunities for younger staff.
Coherence and Cohesion
Sequencing markers provide a basic line of progression, but the single-paragraph format and mechanical linking make the argument difficult to navigate.
Use an introduction, two distinct body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with each body paragraph developing one central reason rather than a chain of loosely related claims.
Lexical Resource
There is some range in discussing technology, employment, and society, but frequent inaccurate collocations and imprecise word choices limit clarity.
Replace awkward phrases with conventional academic combinations and use specific employment vocabulary instead of vague expressions such as age parties and young blood.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied sentence structures, but recurrent errors in agreement, articles, tense, plurals, and complementation weaken accuracy.
Proofread systematically for singular-plural agreement and verb patterns, then combine ideas only when the grammatical relationship between clauses is secure.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.