Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
In recent times, older peopleIn recent times older people are extensively employed in leading positions by the majority ofby majority of large companies. Some people state that business organisations should encourage employees to give up their high positions at the age of 55 to give a chance to the younger generation with which Ii partially agree.
To begin with, many executive positionsa lot of executive job positions require advanced working skills because of this younger people might not be eligible for certain positions. Older people have more experiencehave a better experience in working in some career fields; as a result, they offeras a result they offer more opportunitiesopportunites to the companies in order to achieve higher service levels and a designated placeand designated place in the mass marketin mass market. Younger peoplepoeple who have not yet developed essential working skills and knowledge might face more challenges in this process.
On the other hand, the younger generation is knownyounger generation are know for their creative ideas. As nowadays social interests are changing rapidly and various new trends are entering the market, younger people are able to analyze the modern problems thoroughly and offer more socially acceptable solutions. FurthermoreAlso, younger people are better prepared to face technological advancements as they are exposed to various technologies from an early age. For instance, today social media plays a substantial role in a lot of companies' marketing processescompanies marketing process, the younger generation is ableyounger generation is able to provide better media content for the publicsociety, which will result in companies' global popularisationcompanies global popularisation.
In conclusion, even thoughthoungh older people are more advanced in their career and have more experience, younger people are also beneficial for companies' development process as they provide creative and widely acceptable ideas.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic by balancing the advantages of experienced senior staff against the innovative contributions of younger workers. However, the arguments focus more generally on age differences rather than directly evaluating the proposal of encouraging retirement specifically at age 55. To improve, sharpen the central argument to address the age 55 threshold directly and eliminate recurring punctuation and grammatical errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
You address the task by giving a clear, balanced perspective on both younger and older employees, but you do not fully explore the specific proposal of encouraging retirement at age 55.
Focus your main points more directly on evaluating whether companies should actively mandate or encourage retirement at age 55 rather than just comparing age groups.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a logical paragraph structure with a clear overall progression from introduction to conclusion.
Improve sentence-level transition devices to avoid comma splices and ensure smoother logical connections between ideas.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range is demonstrated with relevant topic-specific terms, though minor spelling mistakes and repetition occur.
Proofread carefully to fix typos such as 'poeple' or 'thoungh' and incorporate a wider range of synonyms for key terms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentence forms is used, but punctuation mistakes and grammatical errors are noticeable throughout.
Review sentence boundaries to correct run-on sentences and ensure proper capitalization of personal pronouns.