Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Nowadays, there is a hot debate going on the topic whether the executive workers should retire at the age of 55 years or not. Though the senior citizens are respected by the society, in my opinion, we should give opportunities to the youngsters. First of all, unemployment and overpopulation are some of the leading problems that the world faces in this era. When employers allow its employees to work after 55 years of age, it is, in turn, increases the unemployment. Because of overpopulation, many well-educated young people are wandering jobless. As a result of this, social evils like theft, crime, terrorism have raised in the recent few decades. Second, new generations are more productive and energetic. They can work enthusiastically and with greater aspirations. Moreover, the companies will get better output from their younger workers as they are mentally and physically strong. Thirdly, young people have new ideas and technical skills. Young people are not only adaptable but also flexible with their work. Even they can work longer time and shift duties. As middle-aged people are healthy there will be less absence from the work. In India, Government has made a law that those who work in the public sector must leave the job at the age of 55 years. This provides more opportunity for the newcomers in that country. On the other hand, experience makes a man and overall society perfect. An experienced man might have gone through many hurdles and know how to handle the situation smoothly which a new employee often lacks. Another thing: a senior employee holding a higher position is financially well settled and most of his family responsibilities like children’s education, marriage has got over. Furthermore, most of the countries have a pension scheme for their senior citizens after their retirement. Lastly, senior people are unfit to work due to ageing and ill health. Even though senior employees have more experience, in my view companies should encourage them to leave at the age of 55 in order to provide opportunities to the young generation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise phrasing Original: going on the topic whether Suggested revision: about whether Why it matters: This concise phrase expresses the debate more naturally.
- 2. Use precise noun Original: the executive workers Suggested revision: executives Why it matters: Executives is the natural term for employees in senior positions.
- 3. Remove redundant unit Original: 55 years or not Suggested revision: 55 or not Why it matters: After 'at the age of,' the number does not need 'years.'
- 4. Match workplace context Original: the senior citizens Suggested revision: senior employees Why it matters: The argument concerns older employees rather than senior citizens generally.
- 5. Remove article Original: respected by the society Suggested revision: respected by society Why it matters: Society is used without an article when referring to society in general.
- 6. Use formal wording Original: the youngsters Suggested revision: younger workers Why it matters: Younger workers is more formal and specific to the employment context.
- 7. Fix pronoun agreement Original: its Suggested revision: their Why it matters: The plural noun 'employers' requires the plural possessive pronoun 'their.'
- 8. Remove extra verb Original: it is, in turn, increases Suggested revision: it, in turn, increases Why it matters: The clause needs one finite verb, so 'is' must be removed.
- 9. Remove article Original: the unemployment Suggested revision: unemployment Why it matters: Unemployment is an uncountable general concept here and takes no article.
- 10. Use natural collocation Original: wandering jobless Suggested revision: remaining unemployed Why it matters: Remaining unemployed conveys the intended meaning in a more natural register.
- 11. Complete the list Original: theft, crime, terrorism Suggested revision: theft, crime, and terrorism Why it matters: Adding the final conjunction clearly marks the last item in the list.
- 12. Use intransitive verb Original: raised Suggested revision: risen Why it matters: Social problems rise by themselves, whereas 'raise' normally takes an object.
Suggested Rewrites
- going on the topic whether about whether
- the executive workers executives
- 55 years or not 55 or not
- the senior citizens senior employees
- respected by the society respected by society
- the youngsters younger workers
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear position and offers several relevant reasons for creating opportunities for younger workers, with a brief acknowledgment of experience on the opposing side. Its main weakness is that many claims are broad, loosely supported, or internally inconsistent, while frequent grammatical and collocational errors reduce precision. The highest priority is to develop fewer arguments with specific explanation and examples, then edit each sentence for agreement, articles, and natural word combinations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and several relevant reasons are presented, though support is often generalised or insufficiently examined.
Develop two or three central arguments with specific causal explanation and credible examples instead of adding numerous brief assertions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a recognisable sequence, but mechanical ordering and the absence of paragraph divisions weaken the organisation.
Group related ideas into distinct body paragraphs and use transitions that express the exact relationship between claims.
Lexical Resource
The response uses enough vocabulary to discuss employment and retirement, but inaccurate collocations and word choices recur.
Replace unnatural expressions with precise combinations such as increase unemployment, work longer hours, and lower absenteeism.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms is attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, clause structure, and noun forms reduce control.
Proofread systematically for subject-verb agreement and sentence boundaries before checking articles and plural forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.