Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
While there are grounds to argue that it would benefit society and young people themselves, if companies choose youngsters for higher positions instead of their senior most staff, it can equally be argued that this would be an infringement on highly positioned older people’s rights as they are forced to retire from their jobs. Therefore, I do not completely favour the view that the older generation must fall back from their job positions for the new ones. One argument in favour of selecting youngsters to the tertiary level is that it would benefit society. It is certainly true that there is a shortage of labour in many fields, and if young people get this positions more easily, then the staggering percentage of the workforce can be allotted, and which, in turn, reduces the unemployment issues up to an extent. In addition, young brains work more efficiently, and whereupon, organisations bring in remarkable profits. For instance, although there are middle-aged employees in IT fields, most of the IT field’s managements are likely to pick out young and proficient talents in order to achieve better results. There is also, however, strong counter-arguments for appointing youngsters to management level positions and encouraging early retirement of top most employees. One significant reason is that the older people who are highly experienced will play a vital role in companies; this is due to the fact that the necessary skills for top level positions such as leadership skills could only be developed through firsthand knowledge, which could only be improved by the years of service. Besides, sending them away from their current positions are morally wrong because each and every company is obliged to have some commitments towards their workforce. To put it in a nutshell, despite having real merits on both sides of the argument, I believe, the moral part against forcing older generation to retire early slightly outweigh the benefits of the younger generation. Hence, in my opinion, youngsters should get the experience thoroughly before attempting to acquire higher positions.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the retirement phrase Original: fall back from their job positions Suggested revision: step down from their positions Why it matters: 'Step down from their positions' expresses leaving senior roles naturally.
- 2. Clarify the reference Original: for the new ones Suggested revision: for younger employees Why it matters: 'The new ones' has an unclear human referent in this context.
- 3. Describe promotion accurately Original: selecting youngsters to the tertiary level Suggested revision: promoting younger employees to senior positions Why it matters: 'Tertiary level' refers to education and does not describe senior workplace roles.
- 4. Refer to employees directly Original: young brains Suggested revision: younger employees Why it matters: 'Young brains' is an unnatural way to refer to workers in a formal essay.
- 5. Connect cause and result Original: and whereupon, organisations bring in Suggested revision: potentially enabling organisations to generate Why it matters: The participle clause expresses the proposed result without the faulty connector and punctuation.
- 6. Use the sector term Original: IT fields Suggested revision: the IT sector Why it matters: 'The IT sector' is the natural collective term for this area of employment.
- 7. Use a countable subject Original: the IT field’s managements Suggested revision: management teams in the IT sector Why it matters: 'Management' is not normally pluralized to refer to groups of managers in one sector.
- 8. Use a formal verb Original: pick out Suggested revision: select Why it matters: 'Select' is more appropriate than the phrasal verb in formal academic writing.
- 9. Use a natural people noun Original: young and proficient talents Suggested revision: young, skilled professionals Why it matters: 'Talent' is not normally used as a countable noun for individual employees in this context.
- 10. Fix agreement and punctuation Original: There is also, however, strong counter-arguments Suggested revision: There are, however, also strong counterarguments Why it matters: The plural noun requires 'are', and the connector should be placed between commas.
- 11. Use the standard superlative Original: top most employees Suggested revision: most senior employees Why it matters: 'Most senior' is the natural expression for employees at the highest level.
- 12. Match the gerund subject Original: sending them away from their current positions are Suggested revision: removing them from their current positions is Why it matters: The gerund phrase is singular and therefore requires 'is'.
Suggested Rewrites
- fall back from their job positions step down from their positions
- for the new ones for younger employees
- selecting youngsters to the tertiary level promoting younger employees to senior positions
- young brains younger employees
- and whereupon, organisations bring in potentially enabling organisations to generate
- IT fields the IT sector
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response’s strongest feature is its nuanced, consistent opposition to compulsory early retirement while acknowledging possible employment and efficiency benefits for younger workers. Its main limitation is that some reasoning is unclear or logically strained, and the single-paragraph format obscures the argument’s structure; the highest-priority improvement is to separate the viewpoints into focused paragraphs and explain each cause-and-effect claim precisely.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the proposal, presents a qualified position, and considers benefits and objections, although some supporting logic is unclear or insufficiently developed.
Explain more convincingly how promotion of younger workers affects unemployment and why experience and employee rights outweigh that benefit.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence from possible benefits to counterarguments and a conclusion is understandable, but one long paragraph and mechanical linking weaken organisation.
Use separate paragraphs for the introduction, each side of the argument, and the conclusion, each led by a precise topic sentence.
Lexical Resource
A reasonable range of formal vocabulary is attempted, but recurrent inaccurate choices and collocations sometimes blur the intended meaning.
Replace imprecise phrases such as “tertiary level,” “staggering percentage,” and “fall back from their job positions” with direct employment terms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but frequent agreement, article, pronoun, and clause-linking errors reduce control.
Shorten overloaded sentences and check agreement carefully in phrases such as “these positions,” “counterarguments,” and “retiring employees is morally wrong.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.