Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
Mass media has made fame possibleMass media enabled inviting fame to those who have a commanding presence and dominant influence, especially celebritiesbest of whom are celebrities. People follow their leads as their graceful lives set standards for successset bars for glory, rather than their achievementsfar less than their own achievements. As this needs imperative attention, I think it shall take a while for this concern to be addressed. Marked by their elusive beauties, celebrities hail in all forms of media; thus, people only see their outer sophistication. Nonetheless, their achievements are commonly left unnoticed. This is mainly due to idolatry where beauty is considered an investment. Hence, in today's era, a person needsneed someone to look up to and is perfect enough to stand out among the rest. This notion is even exacerbated by the media, to which they preserve one's outer elements as priorities. For instance, adverts hire celebrities whose commanding influence persuadeshypnotises others to follow. This is quite hard to control since creativity is companies' best shot. Notwithstanding the attention that artists' glamour and richness are getting, this creates a notion in people's mindscreates a notion to people's mind to achieve something rather than to stay mediocre and plebeian. However, the point of losing one’s sight towards achievements is getting into trouble. This createscreate a bad impact to our society since people no longer feel the hunger to do the best in their own fields Instead, they want to become famous for their appearanceinstead, they want to become gorgeous, rather than a winner, because it is perceived as a trend way more than the other. By and large, I think it has both positive and negative effectsremarks. Albeit the fact that one is given more importance than the other, still, people consider a point of reference for standards. Although the drawbacks may outweigh the good points, I believe thatThe drawbacks may outweigh the good points, I believe that general trends should be acknowledgedgeneral trends be acknowledged on their own.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response engages with the contrast between celebrity image and achievement and uses some ambitious vocabulary to explore its influence on young people. However, the writer's degree of agreement remains inconsistent, while abstract ideas, one-block organisation, and strained sentences obscure the argument; the highest priority is to state a clear position, organise each main idea into its own paragraph, and express it in shorter, more natural sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay addresses celebrity glamour, wealth, achievement, and influence on young people, and it gives a partly relevant view. However, the position is inconsistent: it first agrees that the issue needs attention, then says there are both positive and negative remarks, and the extent of agreement is not clearly answered.
State a clear degree of agreement in the introduction and conclusion, then develop one paragraph on why glamour can be harmful and one on any limited positive influence.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a basic essay shape, but progression is hard to follow because several ideas are abstract, transitions are weak, and the whole response is compressed into one block. References such as this, the other, and this notion are often unclear.
Use four paragraphs and begin each body paragraph with a concrete topic sentence before adding examples.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is ambitious and varied, with words such as idolatry, sophistication, mediocre, and standards. However, many choices are unnatural or overformal, which sometimes obscures meaning.
Prefer precise but natural wording: public image, achievements, role models, material success, appearance, and social influence.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts complex clauses, but errors in agreement, articles, word form, and sentence control are frequent. Meaning is usually recoverable, but several sentences are strained or unclear.
Reduce sentence length and check each clause for subject-verb agreement, especially after people, person, notion, and drawbacks.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.