The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the number of male and female workers in the Republic of Freedonia in sixvarious employment sectors in the year 1975years 1975 and 1995.
Overall, the public non-defence sector reported the highest number of males and females. This is in sharp contrast toin the sharp contrats with the public defence sector with the lowest numberwith least amount of workers.
Regarding male employment,Statistics showed that the public (non-defence) sector had the highest number of males, approximately 850,000 workers, followed by wholesalewhich was followed by the wholesale and retail trade with roughly 680,000 male workers. The manufacturing sector consisted of nearly 670,000 males.Furthermore, the finance and banking sector reportedfinance and banking reported approximately 430,000 and communications sector nearlyand the communications nearly 360,000 male workers. The lowest number of males waswere in the public (defence) field with roughly 230,000 males.
In terms of female employment,As for the females, the public (non-defence) sector reported the highest number, nearly 640,000 females. The wholesale and retail trade showed nearly 590,000 females. This was followed by manufacturingfollowed by the manufacturing with nearly 350,000 and the communications with 250,000 female workers. The lowest numbers of females wereleast amount of females were in the finance and banking sector, at approximately 130,000sector of finance, nearly 250,000, and public defence, which employed no more than 50,000 female workers.and the public (defence) with no more than 50,000 female workers.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay presents a clear structure by systematically reporting male and female data across the given employment sectors. However, it entirely omits the 1995 data comparison mentioned in the prompt and includes inaccurate figures for key sectors like finance. To improve, cover all required time periods and ensure precise data extraction from the visual source.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response presents an overview and describes data for 1975, but fails to include data for 1995 and contains inaccuracies in data extraction.
Incorporate data from both required years and double-check chart values to ensure figures like female financial employment are accurate.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically by gender with basic paragraphing and clear overall progression.
Vary cohesive devices beyond repetitive transition words to create smoother connections between sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate for the task, though approximations and sector names are repeated with limited variation.
Use a wider range of synonyms for numerical approximation and correct minor spelling slips like 'contrats'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The writing uses a mix of sentence structures with generally clear grammar, though minor mechanical and quantifier errors occur.
Ensure proper spacing after punctuation marks and use correct countability modifiers such as 'fewest' rather than 'least' for countable workers.