The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the number of male and female workers in the Republic of FreedoniaFredonia in various employment sectors in the years 1975 and 1995in years 1975 and 1995.
Overall, the public non-defence sectorpublic non-defence sector reported the highest number of males and females. This is in contrastcotrast with the public defence sectorwith public defence sector with the fewest workerswith least amount of workers.
StatisticsStatistsics showed that the public (non-defence) sectorshowed that public (non-defence) sector had the highest number of males, approximately 850,000 workers, which was followed by wholesale and retail trade with roughly 680,000 male workers. The manufacturing sectorManufacturing sector employed around 640,000 malesconsisted of nearly 670,000 males.Furthermore, finance and banking reported approximately 430,000 and communications nearly 310360,000 male workers. The lowest number of males waswere in the public (defence) field with roughly 230,000 males.
As for females, the public (non-defence) sectorAs for the females, public (non-defence) sector reported the highest number, nearly 640,000 females. Wholesale and retail trade showed approximately 540,000 femalesWholesale and retail trade showed nearly 590,000 females. This was followed by manufacturing with roughly 300,000 and communications with 250,000with nearly 350,000 and communications with 250,000 female workers. The lowest number of females wasThe least amount of females were in the sector of finance, nearlynealry 250,000, and public (defence) with no more than 50,000 female workers.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response effectively structures the key features of the provided graph into logical paragraphs for male and female employees. However, it contains several inaccurate data readings for female workers and fails to address the year 1995 mentioned in the introduction. To improve, ensure all numerical data accurately reflect the visual chart and check for typos and word choice errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear overview and covers key sectors, but contains inaccurate data figures for female workers and omits 1995 data.
Double-check data values directly against the chart axes to ensure all figures, especially for female workers, are accurately reported.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically organized by gender, making the response straightforward to follow.
Use more varied transitions between categories to avoid repetitive sentence starter patterns when presenting sequential figures.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally appropriate for describing data, though minor spelling mistakes and incorrect quantifier choices occur.
Replace expressions like 'least amount of workers' with 'smallest number of workers' when referring to countable nouns.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence structures are mostly clear and varied, though a few minor punctuation and article errors are present.
Proofread carefully to fix typos and ensure correct spacing after punctuation marks.