The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
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Sample Response
The graph illustrates the figures of men and women employed in six different sectors namely manufacturingManufacturing, communications, finance or banking, wholesale and retail trade, public sectors - defense and non-defense, in the Republic of Freedonia in 1975.
Overall, allAll the employment sectors wereare significantly dominated by male workers. Both male and female workers recorded the highest numbersrecorded highest number in non-defense public sector. Inin contrast, the number was lowest in the defense public sectoris low in defense public sector.
The figure for male employees is on peak in non-defense public sector, standing at around 850,000standing at around 850 followed by wholesale and retail trade and manufacturing, which accounted for about 700,000 and 650,000accounted for about 700 and 650, respectively. MeanwhileSimilarly, the figures for male employment in communications, finance/banking, and the defense public sectorin communication, finance/banking, defense public sector rangedare ranged from about 450 to 230.
The number of female workers in non-defense public sector is recorded as highest with figure for wholesale and retail tradeshop standing as second. Thethe numbers of women workers in the other fourin other four employment categories remain comparatively lower ranging from approximately 300,000 to 30,000ranging from approximately 300 to 30.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay effectively identifies key comparisons across employment sectors and provides a clear overview of male dominance in the workforce. However, the main limitation is the omission of the scale measurement unit (thousands) alongside frequent basic mechanics and grammar errors. To improve, explicitly include exact graph units and carefully proofread sentence capitalization and structure.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response presents a clear overview and highlights key high and low points, but it fails to state that the figures represent thousands of workers.
Always include the exact scale units mentioned in the graph labels, such as thousands, to ensure data accuracy.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically into distinct body paragraphs by gender, with a clear general progression throughout.
Use a wider variety of transitional linking phrases between paragraph details to smooth transitions between data points.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range is used to describe trends and rankings, though localized word choice errors appear.
Refine prepositional phrases and word choices, replacing awkward expressions like 'on peak' with accurate task phrases like 'peaked at'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence structures is attempted, but frequent capitalization mistakes and grammatical inaccuracies are noticeable.
Ensure every sentence begins with a capital letter and check passive structures like 'are ranged' for correct grammatical form.