The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Sample Response
The provided line graphs compare the employment history of men and women in 1975 and 1995 dividing in six major sectors namely: manufacturing, communications, finance/ banking, wholesale & retail trade, non-defence public sectors and defence public sectors. As is observed from the given illustration, significant changes have been made in women's employment and women appear to have made remarkable improvements in almost the entire job sectors in Freedonia and in some sectors women went well ahead of men.
Initially, in 1975, men were notably ahead of women in every sector of employment. For example, in the communication sector, about 260 men worked against 220 women in every thousand employees. Twenty years later, though the number of men remained unchanged, the number of women rose to over 550 in one thousand. A similar trend can be seen in the wholesale and retail trade sector, where the number of women rose from about 550 to almost 800 in every 1000 employees of this sector two decades later. The number of men in this sector remained stable over the period, at around 700 / thousand. Women also made their prominence in both the finance/ banking industries and in the defence-related public sector during this period. Where 125 women among one thousand employees worked in finance & banking institutions in 1975, this number increased to 450 by 1995. The number of men grew only marginally from 425 to 480 over the same period. In the defence sector, the number of men declined from 225 to 200 per thousand, while the number of women rose from 25 to over 100 per thousand. Two sectors that remained almost stable in terms of men and women employee ration are manufacturing and public sector. In manufacturing, about 300 women and 650 men worked in both surveyed years, and in public sector (non-defence), which employed 650 women and 850 men. In summary, we can say that women appear to have made gains in the workforce in Freedonia and in some sectors they went well ahead compared to men.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name measure accurately Original: history Suggested revision: levels Why it matters: The graphs compare employee numbers rather than the history of employment.
- 2. Fix participle phrase Original: dividing in six Suggested revision: divided into six Why it matters: The sectors are the categories into which the data are divided.
- 3. Remove unnecessary colon Original: namely: Suggested revision: namely Why it matters: A colon is unnecessary immediately after “namely.”
- 4. Use singular category Original: non-defence public sectors Suggested revision: the non-defence public sector Why it matters: The graph presents this as one employment sector.
- 5. Use singular category Original: and defence public sectors Suggested revision: and the defence public sector Why it matters: The graph contains one defence public-sector category.
- 6. Use natural trend verb Original: significant changes have been made Suggested revision: significant changes occurred Why it matters: The changes occurred over time rather than being deliberately made.
- 7. Fix quantifier phrase Original: almost the entire job sectors Suggested revision: almost all employment sectors Why it matters: “Almost all” correctly quantifies a plural count noun.
- 8. Use concise comparison Original: went well ahead of men Suggested revision: overtook men Why it matters: The replacement expresses the change in relative employment numbers directly.
- 9. Match category label Original: communication Suggested revision: communications Why it matters: The visual labels this category “Communications.”
- 10. Use comparison phrase Original: worked against Suggested revision: worked compared with Why it matters: “Compared with” is the appropriate phrase for contrasting the two figures.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: made their prominence Suggested revision: became more prominent Why it matters: The original verb-noun combination is not idiomatic English.
- 12. Use singular sector Original: both the finance/ banking industries Suggested revision: both the finance and banking sector Why it matters: Finance and banking form one sector in the graph, not multiple industries.
Suggested Rewrites
- history levels
- dividing in six divided into six
- namely: namely
- non-defence public sectors the non-defence public sector
- and defence public sectors and the defence public sector
- significant changes have been made significant changes occurred
Why this response received Band 6.5
The report identifies the major rise in female employment and supports it with a broad, largely accurate selection of sector comparisons across both years. Its main limitation is the repeated misreading of the vertical scale as rates per thousand rather than numbers expressed in thousands; the highest-priority improvement is to state the unit correctly and present the stable sectors more concisely.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main changes and nearly all comparative figures are selected accurately, but the report repeatedly interprets absolute numbers in thousands as numbers per thousand employees.
Describe values as thousands of workers, for example about 300,000 men in communications in 1975, and retain the accurate cross-year comparisons.
Coherence and Cohesion
A clear overview leads into a logically ordered account of changing and stable sectors, although the long detail paragraph could be grouped more sharply.
Divide the details into one paragraph for sectors with strong female gains and another for manufacturing and non-defence employment, which remained stable.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a good range of employment and comparison vocabulary, but awkward choices such as "employment history," "made their prominence," and "employee ration" reduce precision.
Use standard phrases such as "employment figures," "women became more prominent," and "the ratio of male to female employees."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex comparison structures are used with generally clear meaning, but errors in agreement, prepositions, and clause construction recur.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clauses and correct forms, especially "divided into six sectors," "in nearly all sectors," and "the two sectors that remained stable were."
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.