The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Sample Response
The line graphs compare the number of male and female employees in every thousand in six sectors in Freedonia in 1975 and 1995. At a glance at the graph, it is clear that women advanced well in 20 years in Freedonia in terms of their involvements in different jobs.
As can be seen from the graphs, among all the sectors, non-defence public sector was the most popular working field for both the genders in 1975, in which, the number of males and females was around 900,000 and 700,000 respectively. Interestingly, the figures for both the genders in this sector remained the same even in1995, followed by wholesale and retail sector, where the rate of women employees was 570,000 in1975 which rose to 800,000 after 2 decades whereas the figures for their counterparts worked in the same sector stayed at a constant figure of 800,000 throughout the period. Likewise, in the field of manufacturing, the number of males and females had no change after 20 years from 700,000 and 300,000 respectively. Noticeably, the number of men occupied in the field of communication and banking /finance remained steady during the time period at 300,000 and just over 400,000 correspondingly; whilst the figures for female employees in communication sector underwent a threefold increase from about 300,000 by 1995. Similarly, in the banking sector, women had a fourfold rise to almost 450,000. It can be seen that only 25,000 women worked in the defence/ public sector in1975, while the figures for men was more than 225,000. However, the rate of the former rose by 4 times and reached 100,000 after 20 years whereas the figures for the latter had a fall to 200,000.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix unit expression Original: in every thousand Suggested revision: in thousands Why it matters: The axes show numbers of employees measured in thousands.
- 2. Add definite article Original: non-defence public sector Suggested revision: the non-defence public sector Why it matters: The named employment sector requires the definite article here.
- 3. Use chart terminology Original: working field Suggested revision: employment sector Why it matters: Employment sector is the appropriate term for the chart category.
- 4. Remove unnecessary article Original: for both the genders in 1975 Suggested revision: for both genders in 1975 Why it matters: Both genders does not take the definite article in this construction.
- 5. Fix agreement Original: males and females was Suggested revision: men and women were Why it matters: The compound plural subject requires were.
- 6. Correct 1975 values Original: around 900,000 and 700,000 Suggested revision: about 850,000 and 650,000 Why it matters: The 1975 graph shows approximately 850,000 men and 650,000 women in this sector.
- 7. Use natural verb phrase Original: had no change Suggested revision: did not change Why it matters: Did not change is the natural grammatical expression for stable figures.
- 8. Correct manufacturing figures Original: from 700,000 and 300,000 respectively Suggested revision: remaining at about 650,000 and 300,000 respectively Why it matters: Male manufacturing employment was roughly 650,000, and both values remained stable.
- 9. Correct growth scale Original: had a fourfold rise Suggested revision: rose by more than three times Why it matters: The increase from about 130,000 to 450,000 was substantial but less than fourfold.
- 10. Use sector label Original: defence/ public sector Suggested revision: defence public sector Why it matters: The slash is misplaced and reverses the chart's public-sector label.
- 11. Fix number agreement Original: figures Suggested revision: figure Why it matters: One male value requires the singular noun figure.
- 12. Correct male estimate Original: more than 225,000 Suggested revision: about 225,000 Why it matters: The 1975 male defence figure is approximately 225,000, not clearly above it.
Suggested Rewrites
- in every thousand in thousands
- non-defence public sector the non-defence public sector
- working field employment sector
- for both the genders in 1975 for both genders in 1975
- males and females was men and women were
- around 900,000 and 700,000 about 850,000 and 650,000
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response covers all six sectors and successfully conveys the broad growth in women's employment, supported by numerous relevant comparisons. However, its overview is incomplete and several figures or multipliers are inaccurate, especially for wholesale, communications, and finance, while long sentences accumulate grammatical problems. Prioritise checking values and grouping the most important trends into shorter, controlled comparisons rather than describing every sector in one dense paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All sectors are addressed and the main rise in female employment is identified, but the overview omits the contrasting male pattern and several details are inaccurate.
State that male employment was largely stable or slightly lower, and correct the wholesale figure and the exaggerated communications and finance multipliers.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has an identifiable overview and a generally logical sector-by-sector progression, but one very long detail paragraph weakens organisation and readability.
Group stable sectors separately from sectors with major female gains, using shorter sentences and two focused detail paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A range of comparison and trend vocabulary is attempted, but recurring awkward collocations and imprecise word choices reduce naturalness.
Use precise phrases such as 'number of employees', 'remained stable', and 'female employment rose', avoiding 'rate', 'occupied', and 'popular working field'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but agreement, articles, clause control, and comparative forms contain frequent errors despite generally clear meaning.
Break the longest sentences into complete units and check plural agreement in phrases such as 'the figures were' and 'the numbers remained unchanged'.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.