The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Sample Response
The graphs give us a brief idea about the various changes that have taken place in 6 different employment sectors in Freedonia based on the population of both male and female sexes from 1975 to 1995. Though there isn't a major increase in the overall number of employees, some of the individual sectors showed a notable increase in its work population. The defence sector had the least number of men and women and even though there was a slight variation in the number of women the number of men in this sector remained the same in both the years. Manufacturing at 600 above men, 250 women and public sector apart from the defence at 800 above men and 600 above women in a thousand workers had no significant changes in both the years whatsoever. Most changes had been in the communication, finance and wholesale sectors with a large increase in the number of people from 1975 to 1995 speak out in the volume of the interest of the general public towards these sectors. Communication and wholesale sector had seen a huge hike in the number of women even overtaking men in the process. On these grounds, I conclude by saying the prominence of women in employment sectors in Freedonia is evident when we compare the graph of 1995 and 1975.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct reporting verb Original: give us a brief idea about Suggested revision: compare Why it matters: Compare states the graphs' function directly and avoids conversational wording.
- 2. Use formal number style Original: 6 different employment sectors Suggested revision: six employment sectors Why it matters: Writing a small number as a word is more conventional in formal prose, and different is unnecessary.
- 3. Describe employment measure Original: based on the population of both male and female sexes Suggested revision: in male and female employment Why it matters: The graphs show employee numbers by sex, not the general male and female populations.
- 4. Name discrete years Original: from 1975 to 1995. Suggested revision: in 1975 and 1995. Why it matters: The graphs compare two specific years rather than showing a continuous time series.
- 5. Use precise comparison Original: had the least number of men and women Suggested revision: employed the fewest men and women Why it matters: Fewest is the correct superlative for countable employees.
- 6. State direction clearly Original: slight variation in the number of women Suggested revision: modest increase in the number of women Why it matters: Women's defence employment rises between the two charts, so the direction should be stated.
- 7. Remove unnecessary article Original: remained the same in both the years Suggested revision: remained the same in both years Why it matters: Both years does not take the definite article in this construction.
- 8. Use plural sector names Original: Communication and wholesale sector Suggested revision: The communications and wholesale sectors Why it matters: Two sectors require a plural noun, and communications is the label used by the graph.
- 9. Use simple past Original: had seen Suggested revision: saw Why it matters: The simple past is appropriate for a completed comparison between the two stated years.
- 10. Use formal trend language Original: a huge hike Suggested revision: a substantial increase Why it matters: Substantial increase is more suitable for an academic report than the informal phrase huge hike.
- 11. Specify crossover Original: the number of women even overtaking men in the process Suggested revision: women's employment, which overtook men's in both sectors by 1995 Why it matters: The graphs show women surpassing men in communications and wholesale specifically in 1995.
- 12. Use report overview marker Original: On these grounds, I conclude by saying Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: An objective overview marker is more appropriate than a personal argumentative conclusion.
Suggested Rewrites
- give us a brief idea about compare
- 6 different employment sectors six employment sectors
- based on the population of both male and female sexes in male and female employment
- from 1975 to 1995. in 1975 and 1995.
- had the least number of men and women employed the fewest men and women
- slight variation in the number of women modest increase in the number of women
Why this response received Band 5.5
The report's strongest feature is its recognition that manufacturing and the non-defence public sector changed little while female employment rose markedly in communications and wholesale. Its main limitation is imprecise selection and expression: some values and trends are generalized, finance is barely developed, and several sentences are difficult to follow. Prioritize an accurate overview followed by concise, sector-based comparisons of men and women in both years.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response identifies several important stable and changing sectors, but coverage is selective and some claims and approximations lack accuracy.
Compare both sexes with clear figures in the stable sectors and the three sectors where female employment changed most.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report moves from stable sectors to larger changes, but one dense paragraph and overloaded sentences weaken progression.
Use a separate overview and two detail paragraphs, grouping stable sectors apart from sectors with substantial female growth.
Lexical Resource
Some relevant employment vocabulary is used, but frequent awkward or vague phrases reduce clarity and precision.
Replace expressions such as 'work population,' 'huge hike,' and 'speak out in the volume' with precise employment and trend language.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts complex comparison sentences, but recurring agreement, punctuation, pronoun, and clause-structure errors sometimes strain comprehension.
Break long sentences into controlled comparisons and check plural agreement, possessives, and clause endings before submitting.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.