The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Sample Response
The diagrams compare the male and female employment status in six different job sectors in two different years – 1975 and 1995. As is seen from the given illustration, men were well ahead of women in all the job sectors in Freedonia in 1975. However, the scenario changed in 1995 and women employment scenario showed a remarkable progress. According to the charts, men in Freedonia were visibly ahead of females in manufacturing, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, defence and non-defence sectors. In manufacturing, more than 600 male employees could be seen against only 300 female employees out of a thousand employees. Except in the communication sector, the proportion of male employees was far greater than that of females. Among the given job sectors, the public /non-defence sector had the highest number of employees while the defence sector had the least ratio of employees. After 20 years, women showed an outstanding advancement in these job sectors and they went well ahead of men in communication, wholesale & retail trade sectors. They become almost equal in number in finance and banking jobs while the gap between male and female employees’ number reduced in defence jobs. The only sector still dominated by the male was manufacturing and the job ratio in this sector remained almost the same as it was 20 years earlier.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Describe measured numbers Original: status Suggested revision: numbers Why it matters: The charts show numbers of workers rather than employment status.
- 2. Avoid overstatement Original: well ahead of women in all the job sectors Suggested revision: ahead of women in all six sectors Why it matters: The male advantage in communications was small, so well ahead overstates that comparison.
- 3. Use plural chart label Original: given illustration Suggested revision: charts Why it matters: The task contains two separate charts, not one illustration.
- 4. Use possessive form Original: women employment scenario Suggested revision: women's employment Why it matters: The possessive form is required before employment.
- 5. Remove the article Original: a remarkable progress Suggested revision: remarkable progress Why it matters: Progress is uncountable in this context and does not take a.
- 6. Use consistent term Original: females Suggested revision: women Why it matters: Women is the clearer and more consistent term for the chart category.
- 7. Match chart label Original: the communication sector Suggested revision: communications Why it matters: The chart labels this employment category communications.
- 8. Report numbers Original: proportion Suggested revision: number Why it matters: The horizontal axis reports worker numbers in thousands, not proportions.
- 9. Clarify comparison Original: that of females Suggested revision: that of female employees Why it matters: Naming female employees makes the numerical comparison explicit.
- 10. Remove stray slash Original: public /non-defence sector Suggested revision: public non-defence sector Why it matters: The chart label uses non-defence as a parenthetical category, so the slash is incorrect.
- 11. Use correct measure Original: least ratio of employees Suggested revision: lowest number of employees Why it matters: The graph presents numbers of workers rather than employment ratios.
- 12. Use natural collocation Original: women showed an outstanding advancement Suggested revision: women's employment advanced substantially Why it matters: Showed an advancement is an unnatural way to describe the increase in women's employment.
Suggested Rewrites
- status numbers
- well ahead of women in all the job sectors ahead of women in all six sectors
- given illustration charts
- women employment scenario women's employment
- a remarkable progress remarkable progress
- females women
Why this response received Band 6.5
The report is easy to follow and captures the major rise in female employment, supported by a useful manufacturing comparison. Its chief weakness is the inaccurate claim that manufacturing was the only male-dominated sector in 1995, since men also remained ahead in both public sectors. Revise the overview around exact sector-by-sector comparisons, then polish recurring collocation and possession errors to make the otherwise varied language more precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response selects several important comparisons across both years, but its concluding account of male dominance in 1995 omits the two public sectors and is therefore materially inaccurate.
Correct the 1995 overview by noting that women led in communications and wholesale and retail, while men still led in manufacturing and both public sectors.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information moves coherently from the overall change to details for 1975 and 1995, with generally effective sequencing and referencing.
Separate the two years into distinct detail paragraphs so the temporal comparison is even easier to scan.
Lexical Resource
The report uses a reasonably varied employment vocabulary, though several collocations such as "employment status," "least ratio," and "outstanding advancement" are imprecise.
Prefer precise chart language such as "number of employees," "smallest workforce," and "female employment increased substantially."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied sentence forms with generally clear control, but errors in noun modification, tense, articles, and possession remain noticeable.
Edit forms such as "women's employment," "they became," and "the number of female employees" for consistent grammatical accuracy.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Your response
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