The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Sample Response
The provided line graphs compare the number of male and female workers in 6 broad job sectors of Freedonia. As is presented in the two line graphs, women have made a significant improvement in Freedonian job sectors over the 20 years. Initially, in 1975, men were ahead in all job sectors than women. In manufacturing job fields, around 220 women were employed while the number of male employees was well over 600 per thousand. Men were ahead of women in terms of their involvement in jobs in all of the mentioned 6 broad sectors. In Finance/ Banking, wholesale & retail trade, non-defense public sector, women were far more behind than their male counterpart. Only in communications sector women were close to men. Among 1000 employees in defence public sector women were less than 50 where men were around 250. The first graph thus depicts the men and women workforce in Freedonia in 1975. But after 20 years in 1995, the scenario had changed significantly. Women crossed men in terms of their job involvement in communication and wholesale & retail trade. In defence, the number of women workers doubled that the number of 1975, whereas the number of men had decreased to 200. In non-defence sector, the differences had not changed that much but in communications and Finance/ Banking sector women have done significant improvement compared to their number 20 years back. In summary, women in Freedonia had done a remarkable progress in job sectors and in some cases had superseded their male counterparts.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use formal category wording Original: 6 broad job sectors Suggested revision: six employment sectors Why it matters: Spelling out the small number and using employment sectors gives a more formal description.
- 2. Describe employment figures Original: women have made a significant improvement Suggested revision: women's employment rose in several sectors Why it matters: The graphs show changes in employment numbers rather than a qualitative improvement by women.
- 3. Form the compound modifier Original: over the 20 years Suggested revision: over the 20-year period Why it matters: Year remains singular in the compound adjective 20-year.
- 4. Fix the comparison Original: men were ahead in all job sectors than women Suggested revision: men outnumbered women in all employment sectors Why it matters: Outnumbered directly and grammatically compares the male and female figures.
- 5. Use the sector label Original: manufacturing job fields Suggested revision: manufacturing Why it matters: Manufacturing alone is the category name shown in the graph.
- 6. Correct the female figure Original: around 220 women Suggested revision: around 300,000 women Why it matters: The 1975 manufacturing point for women is approximately 300 thousand.
- 7. Correct the unit Original: well over 600 per thousand Suggested revision: just over 600,000 Why it matters: The horizontal scale reports numbers in thousands rather than a rate per thousand.
- 8. Use a correct comparison Original: women were far more behind Suggested revision: women lagged far behind Why it matters: Lagged far behind is the grammatical comparative expression.
- 9. Use plural reference Original: counterpart Suggested revision: counterparts Why it matters: The reference covers women and men across several sectors, so the noun should be plural.
- 10. Use inversion after only Original: Only in communications sector women Suggested revision: Only in the communications sector were women Why it matters: An initial only phrase requires subject-verb inversion and the sector needs an article.
- 11. Use adjectival forms Original: men and women workforce Suggested revision: male and female workforce Why it matters: Male and female function correctly as adjectives modifying workforce.
- 12. Use a concise transition Original: But after 20 years in 1995 Suggested revision: By 1995 Why it matters: The shorter time marker clearly introduces the second graph without unnecessary repetition.
Suggested Rewrites
- 6 broad job sectors six employment sectors
- women have made a significant improvement women's employment rose in several sectors
- over the 20 years over the 20-year period
- men were ahead in all job sectors than women men outnumbered women in all employment sectors
- manufacturing job fields manufacturing
- around 220 women around 300,000 women
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response identifies the central development in women's employment and makes useful comparisons between 1975 and 1995, particularly in communications, wholesale and retail, finance, and the public sectors. Its main limitations are inaccurate figures for manufacturing and defence, repetitive coverage, and frequent awkward grammatical forms. Prioritise verifying each value and grouping sectors by change, while using precise comparison language instead of repeatedly saying one group was 'ahead'.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
A clear overall trend and several accurate sector comparisons are presented, but some figures are wrong and manufacturing's unchanged pattern is underdeveloped.
Correct women in manufacturing in 1975 to about 300, describe defence's female figure as quadrupling to 100, and note manufacturing remained stable.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report moves chronologically from 1975 to 1995 and ends with a summary, but the single paragraph and repeated points weaken organisation.
Use an overview followed by separate paragraphs for stable sectors and sectors where female employment rose markedly.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate vocabulary for employment comparisons, though repetition and awkward phrases such as 'ahead than' and 'done improvement' reduce precision.
Use 'outnumbered', 'female employment increased', 'the gap narrowed', and 'women overtook men'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The meaning is mostly clear, but articles, comparison structures, plurals, tense consistency, and clause boundaries contain frequent errors.
Use forms such as 'men outnumbered women', 'women were fewer than men', and 'female employment had increased significantly by 1995'.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.