The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Sample Response
The line graphs provide data on the workforce in six different professions in the Republic of Freedonia in 1975 and 1995. As is observed, the graphs illustrate the progress of empowering women in the work market over the twenty years, even the number of females exceeded the number of males in some work fields.
In 1975, the number of employed men was considerably higher compared to the number of women in all sectors, in particular, manufacturing, finance and banking and public sector (defence). By 1995 there was a significant increase in the number of working females in communication, finance and marketing and wholesale and retail trade, where the number of employed women in these sectors was around 250, 120 and 550 out of a thousand respectively and it rose by approximately 300 out of thousand in each sector. Taking into consideration the number of women surpassed the number of men in communication and wholesale and retail sectors, it is evident that women empowerment in employment sectors in Freedonia had significantly progressed in the given period.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Match the chart label Original: professions Suggested revision: employment sectors Why it matters: The graphs group workers by sectors rather than by individual professions.
- 2. Use objective wording Original: progress of empowering women Suggested revision: growth in female employment Why it matters: This phrasing describes the numerical change without adding an interpretive social claim.
- 3. Use standard collocation Original: work Suggested revision: labour Why it matters: 'Labour market' is the standard expression for employment across an economy.
- 4. Fix clause connection Original: even the number of females exceeded Suggested revision: with the number of women exceeding Why it matters: A 'with' clause links this result grammatically to the preceding overview.
- 5. Use direct comparison Original: higher compared to Suggested revision: higher than Why it matters: The comparative adjective 'higher' takes 'than' in this structure.
- 6. Complete the phrase Original: in particular, Suggested revision: particularly in Why it matters: The preposition is needed to introduce the list of sectors.
- 7. Use a direct verb Original: provide data on Suggested revision: compare Why it matters: The verb 'compare' states the purpose of the two graphs more directly.
- 8. Signal the overview Original: As is observed Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: This standard overview marker makes the paragraph's function immediately clear.
- 9. Use concise duration Original: over the twenty years Suggested revision: over the twenty-year period Why it matters: The compound adjective gives a more concise and natural time expression.
- 10. Use chart terminology Original: some work fields Suggested revision: some sectors Why it matters: 'Sectors' matches the categories used in the visual.
- 11. Use concise noun phrase Original: employed men Suggested revision: male employees Why it matters: This is a more concise way to refer to the male workforce.
- 12. Clarify employment measure Original: the number of women in all sectors Suggested revision: female employment in all sectors Why it matters: The graph measures employment rather than the general population of women.
Suggested Rewrites
- professions employment sectors
- progress of empowering women growth in female employment
- work labour
- even the number of females exceeded with the number of women exceeding
- higher compared to higher than
- in particular, particularly in
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response gives a relevant overview of women’s increased participation and correctly notes that women overtook men in two sectors by 1995. Its main limitation is that the numerical sentence confuses 1975 female figures with 1995 results and leaves several important sector patterns unexplored. The priority is to organise details by year or sector and attach every figure clearly to its sex, sector, and date.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
A relevant overview identifies the central change, but the supporting figures are ambiguously dated and coverage of the six sectors is selective.
Distinguish the 1975 and 1995 values explicitly and add key stable patterns, such as manufacturing and the two public sectors.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a broadly logical overview-to-detail progression, although one very long detail paragraph compresses several comparisons together.
Divide the data into two focused groups and give each comparison a clear reference to the relevant year and sector.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied enough for the task, but several expressions and labels are imprecise, including work market and finance and marketing.
Use the chart’s exact sector names and more natural phrases such as labour market, female employment, and increased by.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses complex structures with generally clear meaning, but recurring problems with clause construction, articles, and agreement remain noticeable.
Correct structures such as although the number of females exceeded and considering that the number of women surpassed before adding further complexity.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Your response
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