The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
In the present age, it is an undeniable fact that the women's role and position in the society all over the world, including in Indonesia, have much modified, especially in the past two decades that this situation persuades women to have a certain career. These changesThe changes of these have sparked debatehave become a sparked debate throughout the world. A growing number of people claimThere are a growing number of people claim that career-conscious women will lead to a wide range of juvenile delinquencies, while others argue that women who have a certain career bring many benefits for their children. This essay will discuss the supporters and opponents of this view. To begin with, once upon a time, the traditional perception made a restriction for the woman to get a certain role in the society. Some parents argued that their daughtersdaughter had to marry as soon as possible when they were 17 years oldwhen she is already 17 years old. Furthermore, after getting married, women should not abandon their familiesa woman should not abandon their family. Nowadays, many women are competing with menstruggling against their competitors “men” to achieve an ideal top position in a corporation. InFrom my view, these people fail to realise that after getting the job, they have to leave their home and children because of many meetings and business visitsa lot of agendas of meeting and visiting the company. According to psychologistsAccording to physiologists point of view, this will lead to juvenile delinquencydelinquencies because children need care and a good upbringingneed caring and good upbringing from their parents, especially from the mother. In contrast, a working mother can support her children'sa working mother can help their children’s academic performance because they will be able to afford particular materials by buying them from the store. Some people claim that successful children in terms of academic performance depend on their study materials that they use in their daily life. Apart from that, children can broaden their experience and perspectivesexpand their experience and insights by travelling to many countriesroaming many countries without financial constraintswithout any distraction of financial problems. If these children can combine both actual knowledge and book-oriented knowledge, I completely believe that they have a wide range of insights and knowledge which will be helpful later in lifein further lives. In conclusion, each side of position has benefits and drawbacks. From my point of view, if working women can make time for their children, it will be betterit will better for their children’s lives in the future.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response offers relevant arguments on both the risks and benefits of mothers working, with some explanation and examples. Its main limitation is that the writer's position remains qualified and somewhat unclear, while weak paragraphing and frequent language errors make the argument less persuasive. The highest priority is to state a precise degree of agreement and organize each supporting reason in a separate, clearly developed paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The topic is addressed from both sides, but the degree of agreement is unclear and several ideas only loosely answer the claimed cause of delinquency.
State a clear position in the introduction and directly test whether maternal employment causes youth problems throughout both body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence of contrasting ideas is broadly understandable, but the response is presented as one long paragraph and progression is often loose.
Separate the introduction, opposing arguments, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs with one controlling idea in each.
Lexical Resource
There is some topic-specific range, but repeated word-choice and collocation problems make expression awkward and occasionally imprecise.
Use simpler, established phrases for employment, childcare, behaviour, and educational opportunity, checking noun and verb combinations carefully.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, pronouns, tense, and clause formation limit accuracy.
Build sentences around a clear subject and finite verb, then check agreement and pronoun reference before adding dependent clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.