The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Undoubtedly, a variety of social and professional positions are now occupied by women than ever before. However, being a contentious issue among many, whether or not this revolution has been leading to expanding brutal manners of the young, is not easy to respond. I personally somewhat concur that some other crucial factors could be placed more premium, ranging from the pressure of the peers and unwelcome friends to the upbringing responsibilities shouldered by fathers. Firstly, it would be wrong to profess that parents’ spending time with their offspring could thoroughly prevent the negative effects of their friendshipsthe negative aspects of the friendship of them. As a case in point, one acquaintance of mine claimed that althoughdespite his stay-at-home motherhouseholder mother attempted to develop a close relationship with himmake an in demand friendship with him, he displays some aggressive behaviourhe possesses some savage etiquette, particularly towardsagainst girls due to the influence of his friends. This shows that the amount of timethe length of the time mothers spend with their children could not guarantee the social health of their descendants. In contrast, it seems the quality of relations between parents and kids plays a pivotal role in reducing children's tendency towards crimedepriving tendency of children to crime. Furthermore, the responsibilities of fathers concerning raising childrenfostering descendants should not be ignored. To illustrate, in some communities, thanks to the improvement of knowledge in all fields, the novel methods of bringing up children emphasiseemphasise on equal contributions from mothers and fathers to influencing their childrenthe equal quota of mothers and fathers alike for affecting their kids, in particular in terms of social behaviour. The more each parenteach of parents could fulfil their duty to give children effective attentioncover their own duties of paying effective attention to children, the more assurance they could achieve concerning raising well-adjusted children who avoid antisocial behaviourhaving competent children away from any abnormal treatment. By way of conclusion, although mothers spending many hours a day with their childrenmothers being beside their descendants for a long time a day could shape many aspects of children's personalitiesa great deal of children’s personality, they could not assure that young people will not engage in violent behaviourthe juvenile does not tend to any violence behaviour. The pressureSince the pressure of friends and also the equal responsibilities of fathers are some practical factors which considerably affect the social behaviour of young peoplesocial treatment of the young.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response sustains a relevant position and develops two plausible counterweights to the claim, particularly peer influence and fathers’ responsibilities. Its main limitation is that frequent unnatural word choices and malformed constructions blur otherwise thoughtful reasoning; the highest priority is to state the degree of agreement directly, then express each supporting point in precise, natural sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained and supported with developed points about peers, parental relationships, and fathers, although the exact degree of agreement is not always sharply expressed.
State the extent of agreement unambiguously in the introduction and connect every body point directly to whether working mothers cause delinquency.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through distinct supporting ideas, but some references and links between clauses are awkward or imprecise.
Use clearer topic sentences and simpler reference words so each example and explanation follows its main claim without ambiguity.
Lexical Resource
There is a broad vocabulary and an evident attempt at precision, but frequent miscollocations such as unnatural descriptions of behaviour substantially reduce clarity.
Prioritise accurate, conventional combinations such as peer pressure, antisocial behaviour, and shared parenting responsibilities over elaborate but unsuitable wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but recurring errors in clause formation, articles, agreement, and complementation sometimes make sentences difficult to follow.
Build complex sentences from securely controlled clauses and proofread each one for a complete main verb, agreement, articles, and natural verb patterns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.