The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the number of participants for variousvariours activities at Melbourne's social centre in Australia between the years 2000 and 2020. The x-axis representsrepresent the years, while the y-axis highlights the number of participants.
Overall, the film club reported the highest number of participants over a 20-year periodover 20-years period. This is in sharp contrast with the amateuramature dramatics, which is at the lowest point of the graph by the end of 2020.
The film club didn't record any dramatic changes from the year 2000200o to 2020. The number recorded a slight fluctuationfluctuage but remained at itsit's intermediate peak of nearly 70 participants throughout the years. In addition, the martial arts showed a marginal drop in number in 2005, which was then followed by an increasefollowed ny increase in number to roughly 40 participants. After reaching its peakit's highest peak, the number showed a slight drop before rebounding to its previous levelto it's highest level. The Amateur dramaticsAmature dramatic illustrated a gentlegently rise in 2010 before dropping downdroping dow to the lowest point of the graph, to no more than 101o participants. On the other hand, table tennis showed a more stableshowed more stable rise before 2005, which was followed by a sharp escalationby sharp escalation in number between years 2010 and 2020, nearly reaching the same number as the film club. And lastly, the musical performance participant countmusic performance perticipan number is reported after the year 2005, when it started to climb gradually to approximatelyapproximatelly 20 participantsparticipans by the year 2020.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay effectively identifies key trends and provides a clear overview comparing the highest and lowest activity figures. However, frequent spelling mistakes, typographical errors, and minor grammatical inaccuracies hinder the clarity of the description. Prioritizing accurate word spelling and proofreading for apostrophe usage will yield the most significant improvement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response presents an overview and covers the main trends, though some specific data points and comparisons lack detail or accuracy.
Ensure all key trends and significant data changes are reported with precise figures and clearer comparative phrasing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically with a clear progression, although paragraphing could be improved to group related trends more effectively.
Separate the detailed descriptions into distinct paragraphs based on activity trends to improve logical structure.
Lexical Resource
A range of vocabulary is attempted, but frequent spelling and typographical errors detract from the lexical control.
Carefully proofread the essay to correct spelling errors and avoid typographical mistakes such as using numbers in place of letters.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The writing demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but frequent grammatical errors and misuse of possessives occur.
Focus on eliminating possessive apostrophe mistakes and ensuring correct subject-verb agreement across complex sentences.