The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
This response is estimated at Band 6.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The line chart shows the changes in the number of participants for different activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia between 2000 andto 2020.
Overall, it is clear that film club was the most popular activityparticipants in film club was the most popular activity over the period and remained relatively stableremained a stable trend with martial arts. In addition, a significant growth could be seen in the number of participantsin number of participants attending table tennis and musical performance, whereas amateur dramatics declined noticeably overfor the period.
In 2000, about 16 people participated in table tennis, compared with zero incompared zero people in musical performance. The figure for table tennisThen figure in table tennis rose to 20 in 2005 and plateaued through 2010rose to 20 in 2005 and 2010 and subsequently surged to 53 in 2020, finally becoming the second most popular activitythe second largest activities. At the same time, the figure for musical performancesthe figure in musical performance showed a marked increase, from zero people in both 2000 and 2005 to around 11 in 2010, 14 in 2015 and 1816 in 2020.
Turning to film club and martial arts, the number of people in film club remainedremain steady at around 63 throughout the period, while martial arts figures fluctuatedand martial arts with a similar trend fluctuated between 31 and 38. In comparison, amateur dramatics started at around 26 in 2000started in 27 by 2000 and reached roughly 28 in 2005reached to 20 in 2005 before declining to 6 in 2020.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay successfully highlights the key trends and data points from the chart with a clear overview. However, its effectiveness is reduced by grammatical errors, awkward preposition choices, and slight inaccuracies in detailing numerical changes over time. To improve, focus on refining prepositional accuracy with statistics and ensuring subject-verb agreement across complex structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Key trends are clearly identified and supported by accurate visual data for the majority of the categories.
Ensure all specific dates and numerical milestones are reported precisely, such as correcting the trend for amateur dramatics between 2000 and 2005.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is arranged logically into clear paragraphs, though some cohesive linkers feel slightly repetitive or misplaced.
Use transitions more naturally to connect contrasted categories rather than relying on formulaic introductory phrases.
Lexical Resource
A varied range of task-appropriate vocabulary is used to describe trends, despite occasional imprecise word choices.
Focus on natural word partnerships, particularly when describing figures and trends, to avoid awkward phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is attempted, but grammatical inaccuracies and preposition errors occur frequently.
Review preposition usage with numbers and practice subject-verb agreement in complex sentences.