The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the number of participants for various activities at Melbourne's social centre in Australia between the years 2000 and 2020.
Overall, the number of participants in martial artsin the martial arts and the film club reported stable changes. The statistics reported a marked increase in the attendance for the table tennis and the music performances. This is in sharp contrast with the amateur dramatics, which showed a considerable drop in number by the year 2020. The film club remainedremains at the highest peak of the graph at around 65 participantswith over 70 participants. Slight fluctuation was observedfluctuation has been reported in the number of participants for martial artsfor the martial arts. In 2020 the number recovered slightlyrebounded to its highest level with nearly 40 individuals. The table tennis experienced a sharp rise in numbersillustrated the sharp risein number in 2010, from roughly 20 to roughly 54 participants60 participants by the year 2020.The number of attendeesNumber of attendants for the music performancesperformaces startedstrated to rise graduallyin 2005, reaching its peakit's intermediate peak, up to 20 participantsparticipant in 2020. In contrast, the amateur dramaticsdramatic illustrated a sharp drop in number after the year 2005. In 2010, the graph intersectedinstersected with the number of participantsparticipants number for the amateur dramatics , before continuing to fall rapidly, reaching no more than 10 individuals, by the end of 2020.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response successfully presents an overview and covers key trends from the graph, accurately identifying major increases and decreases over the period. However, paragraph structure is weak as the body details are fused into the overview paragraph, and there are several minor errors in data interpretation and mechanics. To improve, structure the writing into separate overview and detail paragraphs and check numerical details carefully against the visual data.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main trends and key figures are identified, but some details like stating film club had over 70 participants are inaccurate.
Ensure all figures cited match the data points exactly, such as noting film club remained between 60 and 65.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks clear paragraph division as body details are blended into the overview section.
Separate the general overview from the detailed body paragraphs to ensure a logical overall structure.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range is used for trends, though minor spelling slips and repetitive phrasing occur.
Proofread for spacing and spelling mistakes like 'risein' or 'performaces' to refine lexical control.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is attempted, but frequent minor grammatical and punctuation errors are present.
Review article usage and possessive apostrophes, such as correcting 'it's' to 'its'.