The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
This response is estimated at Band 6.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the number of participants for various activities at Melbourne's social centre in Australia between the years 2000 and 2020.
Overall, the number of participants in martial arts and the film club remained relatively stablereported stable changes. The statistics reported a marked increase in the attendance for table tennis and musical performancesfor the table tennis and the music performances. This is in sharp contrast with the amateur dramatics, which showed a considerable drop in numbersnumber by the year 2020. The film club remained at the highest peak of the graph with around 65 participantsover 70 participants.Also, Slight fluctuation was observedhas been reported in the number of participants for martial arts. In 2020, the numberIn 2020 the number rose slightlyrebounded to its highest level with nearly 40 individuals. Table tennis illustrated a sharp rise in numbersThe table tennis illustrated the sharp rise in number in 2010, from roughly 20 to roughly 54 participants60 participants by the year 2020.The number of attendees for musical performancesNumber of attendants for the music performaces started to rise gradually in 2005, reaching its peakit's intermediate peak, up to 20 participantsparticipant in 2020. In contrast, the amateur dramatics illustrated a sharp drop in number after the year 2005. In 2010, the graph intersectedinstersected with the number of participants for the amateur dramatics, before continuing to fall rapidly, reaching roughly 6 individualsno more than 10 individuals, by the end of 2020.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay effectively highlights the key trends and data points from the line graph, featuring a clear overview and accurate overall reporting. However, paragraph structure is weak because the body details are merged directly into the overview paragraph, creating a dense text block. To improve, separate the general overview from the detailed data paragraphs and refine article usage and punctuation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response identifies key trends accurately and provides a clear overview of the main shifts across the period.
Ensure all key data points align precisely with the visual grid, such as reporting table tennis reaching around 54 rather than 60 in 2020.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear overall progression, but it combines the overview and detail sections into one large paragraph without clear logical division.
Divide the essay clearly into an introduction, an overview paragraph, and two separate body paragraphs for specific data.
Lexical Resource
A decent variety of trend vocabulary is used, though there are minor inaccuracies in word choices like 'intermediate peak' and 'reported stable changes'.
Focus on precise collocation use when describing data trends, avoiding overly complex phrasing where simpler terms fit better.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence structures show a good mix of simple and complex forms, but frequent errors in article usage, capitalization, and minor punctuation persist.
Review the use of definite articles before activity names and ensure proper spacing and capitalization after full stops.