Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Video games are widely played throughout the world. Many consider this video game as a form of having fun and not only harmless but also educationally beneficial. Others believe that the disturbing content of such games can influence one’s mind negatively. However, the demerits of video games, if any, that the critics put forth seem trivial when compared to its beneficial ramifications. To prove this, both the views will be critiqued. First, it is a well-known fact that video games can be educational. For instance, based on a few research works published in the Journal of American Behavioral Psychology, it is proven through various experiments that young people can hone their intelligence and knowledge by playing strategy games. This proves that video games do have the potential to flourish young minds when regularly engaged in such activities. As far as the other view is concerned, there is little evidence to prove that video games can instigate violence among people. A research work recently published in the same journal mentioned above illustrates this in action. According to this work, ‘violent’ people who play video games are naturally inclined towards games that contain violent content and imagery etc., however, their behavioural issues could not be linked to the content of those video games they were exposed to; rather, it was found to be just a matter of preference. Having analysed both these arguments, it has been proved that video games can be beneficial as they can increase general knowledge and intelligence, and the fact that the absurd themes of such games are very unlikely to instil violence. It is expected that video games’ popularity will continue to rise among young people in particular, and will continue to benefit them in although not so obvious ways.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Plural reference Original: this video game Suggested revision: video games Why it matters: The sentence refers to the activity generally.
- 2. Concise construction Original: as a form of having fun Suggested revision: a form of entertainment Why it matters: This is more natural and concise.
- 3. Complete parallelism Original: not only harmless but also educationally beneficial Suggested revision: both harmless and educationally beneficial Why it matters: Both...and fits the current sentence structure.
- 4. Natural expression Original: influence one’s mind negatively Suggested revision: negatively affect players' behaviour Why it matters: This is more specific and idiomatic.
- 5. Pronoun agreement Original: compared to its beneficial ramifications Suggested revision: compared with their benefits Why it matters: Video games is plural, so their is required.
- 6. Avoid formulaic proof Original: To prove this Suggested revision: This view can be supported by considering Why it matters: The essay presents an argument rather than a proof.
- 7. Clear roadmap Original: both the views will be critiqued Suggested revision: both sides will be considered Why it matters: Critiqued is unnecessarily adversarial and vague.
- 8. Uncountable research Original: a few research works Suggested revision: several studies Why it matters: Research is normally uncountable; studies is natural here.
- 9. Avoid unverifiable authority Original: Journal of American Behavioral Psychology Suggested revision: studies of strategy games Why it matters: A vague or possibly invented journal title weakens credibility.
- 10. Precise benefit Original: hone their intelligence and knowledge Suggested revision: develop problem-solving skills and subject knowledge Why it matters: The revision names skills games can plausibly develop.
- 11. Wrong verb pattern Original: flourish young minds Suggested revision: stimulate young minds Why it matters: Flourish is usually intransitive and cannot take minds as its object.
- 12. Natural collocation Original: instigate violence among people Suggested revision: cause violent behaviour in players Why it matters: The revised phrase is clearer and more direct.
Suggested Rewrites
- this video game video games
- as a form of having fun a form of entertainment
- not only harmless but also educationally beneficial both harmless and educationally beneficial
- influence one’s mind negatively negatively affect players' behaviour
- compared to its beneficial ramifications compared with their benefits
- To prove this This view can be supported by considering
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay gives a clear answer that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks and develops both educational value and the disputed link with violence. The argument is generally coherent, but the evidence is presented as definitive research without enough precision, and some claims and expressions are awkward or overstated. Strengthen the reasoning with cautious, concrete support and polish collocations and sentence endings.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The question is fully answered with a consistent position and developed support, though the research examples are vague and the educational benefit is somewhat narrow.
Use credible, specific examples and acknowledge one genuine drawback before explaining clearly why it is outweighed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are logically ordered and linked, but formulaic signposting and a very long evidence sentence reduce fluency.
Use clear paragraphing and make each paragraph follow claim, explanation, example, and link.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, but several combinations are unnatural or inflated, including beneficial ramifications, flourish minds, and absurd themes.
Prefer direct academic wording and check whether each verb naturally takes its object.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is used with generally sound control, though agreement, pronoun reference, punctuation, and the final clause contain errors.
Check singular/plural reference and simplify long semicolon-heavy sentences.