Some people regard the video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
People have argued about the function of video games. A group of people believe that these digital games are beneficial for mankind, but others think that they would be a distraction to human's mind. Although video games have some positive sides, I personally believe that they have more negative effects on our minds, and the following essay will discuss them in details.
For a number of reasons, a lot of people believe that video games are entertaining and educative. It is believed that video games could help people in releasing their stress. Players could feel the excitement of being a heroic character or a professional athlete, without having the risk of being injured or hurt. And then, there are some video games which are considered as educative as well, as they are created to trigger people's imaginative thinking, such as Tetris or chess.
Despite the positive side, people do not realise that the games have become a serious problem for individuals and societies. Firstly, many people got addicted to video games, and it has affected to their work or study performance. Many workers are losing their focus and productivities, and some students have poor performance on their studies due to spending a number of hours in playing video games. Secondly, some games have shown violence and sadistic scenes and affected to the gamers' mind. There have been several cases in America, whereas students have done violence acts to their classmates because they were influenced by the game. And lastly, video games have affected to residents' health condition as well. People who play video games have the tendency to consume light snacks and do less exercise. Consequently, they have a risk of getting obesity and diabetic problems.
In conclusion, video games have its own positive and negative sides, but I do believe that video games have more drawbacks than its benefits.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise noun Original: function Suggested revision: role Why it matters: “Role” more naturally describes the purpose or effects of video games.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: beneficial for mankind Suggested revision: beneficial to people Why it matters: “Beneficial to” is the standard collocation and “people” is more natural here.
- 3. Correct possessive form Original: a distraction to human's mind Suggested revision: a distraction to the human mind Why it matters: The generic noun phrase requires “the human mind,” not a singular possessive.
- 4. Use singular expression Original: details Suggested revision: detail Why it matters: The fixed expression is “in detail.”
- 5. Choose natural adjective Original: educative Suggested revision: educational Why it matters: “Educational” is the usual adjective for games that help people learn.
- 6. Fix verb pattern Original: in releasing their stress Suggested revision: relieve stress Why it matters: “Help people” is followed by the base verb, and “relieve stress” is the natural collocation.
- 7. Make phrase concise Original: without having the risk Suggested revision: without the risk Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same meaning more naturally.
- 8. Use formal transition Original: And then, Suggested revision: Moreover, Why it matters: “Moreover” clearly signals an additional benefit in formal writing.
- 9. Remove unnecessary as Original: considered as educative Suggested revision: considered educational Why it matters: “Considered” takes an adjective complement here without “as.”
- 10. Use concise wording Original: people's imaginative thinking Suggested revision: people's imagination Why it matters: “Imagination” conveys the intended idea without the awkward noun phrase.
- 11. Clarify reference Original: Despite the positive side Suggested revision: Despite these benefits Why it matters: This transition refers more clearly to the benefits discussed in the preceding paragraph.
- 12. Use consistent tense Original: got Suggested revision: become Why it matters: The present tense fits the paragraph’s general claim.
Suggested Rewrites
- function role
- beneficial for mankind beneficial to people
- a distraction to human's mind a distraction to the human mind
- details detail
- educative educational
- in releasing their stress relieve stress
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear position and develops a relevant comparison, with the drawbacks explored through several logically organised consequences. Its main limitation is persistent imprecision in grammar and word choice, especially verb patterns, collocations, and noun forms, which makes otherwise clear ideas sound awkward. The highest priority is to edit each supporting point for accurate sentence structure and natural phrasing while retaining the effective overall argument.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers the comparative question directly, maintains a clear position, and supports both sides with relevant explanations and examples.
Develop the claims about violence and health with more precise, qualified evidence rather than broad causal assertions.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, two focused body paragraphs, and a consistent conclusion, with effective overall sequencing.
Use a less mechanical range of transitions and integrate supporting sentences without repeatedly relying on enumerating linkers.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficiently varied for the topic, but recurring inaccurate collocations and word forms reduce precision and naturalness.
Replace phrases such as affected to, violence acts, and getting obesity with accurate verb patterns and natural collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the argument clearly, although grammatical errors recur throughout the response.
Prioritise control of articles, agreement, possessives, prepositions, and verb forms when revising complex sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people regard the video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.