Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
In the present era, advancement in technology has made a significant change to the lifestyle of each and every person in the world. New innovation like video games which are used to have fun and useful tools in education learning for children but some people argue that video games have some negative development on children. I am going to discuss this topic.
Firstly, newly released and innovative video games are much helpful for children, to spend their free time at home without disturbing others. Some video games are played in a group which creates a challenging environment for children and they learn how to win the game and be successful. From an educational perspective, these games encourage imagination and creativity, as well as concentration, logical thinking and problem solving, all of which are useful skills outside the gaming context. Furthermore, it has been shown that computer simulation games can improve users’ motor skills and help to prepare them for real-world tasks, such as flying a plane.
On the other hand, there are some drawbacks of games. Children becoming less active in terms of physical activity and more addictive of video games because users are constantly given scores, new targets and frequent rewards to keep them engaged. They are spending most of their times in playing games so it may affect their education as well their eyes and on health also. In the past, when video games were not present, at that time most of the children used to play outdoor games with their friends which seem disappearing nowadays. Children are becoming more and more technology addictive than the past which is a concerning question for many guardians.
In conclusion, I can say that there are more drawbacks of video games on children then its positive benefit.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unnatural collocation Original: negative development on children Suggested revision: negative effects on children Why it matters: Effects on children is the natural phrase in this context.
- 2. Adverb choice Original: much helpful Suggested revision: very helpful Why it matters: Helpful is modified by very, not much, in this structure.
- 3. Sentence fragment Original: Children becoming less active Suggested revision: Children are becoming less active Why it matters: The clause needs a finite verb to form a complete sentence.
- 4. Wrong adjective Original: more addictive of video games Suggested revision: more addicted to video games Why it matters: People are addicted to something; addictive describes the thing that causes addiction.
- 5. Comparison error Original: then its positive benefit Suggested revision: than their positive benefits Why it matters: Comparisons require than, and benefits should be plural here.
- 6. Plural agreement Original: New innovation like video games Suggested revision: New innovations like video games Why it matters: Innovation should be plural when referring to video games as examples.
- 7. Purpose phrase Original: are used to have fun Suggested revision: are used for entertainment Why it matters: This is more natural and formal.
- 8. Redundant phrase Original: education learning Suggested revision: educational learning Why it matters: Use one clear modifier rather than two overlapping nouns.
- 9. Missing opinion Original: I am going to discuss this topic Suggested revision: I believe the drawbacks outweigh the benefits Why it matters: The introduction should answer the opinion question directly.
- 10. Purpose wording Original: to spend their free time Suggested revision: because they allow children to spend their free time Why it matters: The original phrase attaches awkwardly to video games are helpful.
- 11. Uncountable noun Original: most of their times Suggested revision: most of their time Why it matters: Time is uncountable in this expression.
- 12. Missing as Original: as well their eyes Suggested revision: as well as their eyes Why it matters: The fixed phrase is as well as.
Suggested Rewrites
- negative development on children negative effects on children
- much helpful very helpful
- Children becoming less active Children are becoming less active
- more addictive of video games more addicted to video games
- then its positive benefit than their positive benefits
- New innovation like video games New innovations like video games
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both benefits and drawbacks of video games and concludes that the drawbacks are greater. Benefits are developed with several relevant educational examples, while the drawbacks are also relevant but sometimes focused only on children rather than all people who play games.
Make the final judgement clearer throughout the essay and compare the seriousness of benefits and drawbacks, not just list them.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphing and basic progression from introduction to benefits, drawbacks, and conclusion. Cohesion is generally understandable, but some sentences are overloaded and the introduction is vague.
Use clearer topic sentences and make each paragraph’s final sentence connect back to whether drawbacks outweigh benefits.
Lexical Resource
There is a fair range of topic vocabulary, including educational tool, creativity, concentration, simulation games, rewards, and physical activity. Some collocations are inaccurate, such as negative development and technology addictive.
Use precise collocations such as harmful effects, gaming addiction, sedentary habits, academic performance, and educational benefits.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts a variety of sentence forms, but errors in clauses, word forms, agreement, and comparatives are frequent. Meaning remains clear, though accuracy is uneven in complex sentences.
Revise fragments and clause connections, especially sentences beginning with noun phrases such as Children becoming.