Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
In the era of modernization, video games have been an obsession regardless the gender and age. With the aid of latest technology, the young learns to play games as early as one to two years old following their parents’ steps. Research shows that exposing gadgets to toddlers can cause negative effects towards their growth. Thus, we should realise how harmful video games can be if we fail to use it in a proper manner. Video games cause addiction and this can lead to many problems such as responsibility issues. Teenagers, usually have a hard time in delivering their everyday chores once they are stuck in front of the screen. It creates disciplinary problems as they fail to restrain themselves from spending too much time in front of the computer. They began to neglect their homework and assignments which not only put themselves in jeopardy but also their teammates if the task required teamwork. Furthermore, the vulgarity of certain video games has been proven to be the reason of aggressiveness inside a person. They easily get influenced by the video games as they are cut out from the outer world. The vulnerable group - the young adults, is the riskiest group as they are still in their development phase. There have the tendency to imitate the improper actions depicted in the video games in their daily life. Besides, health problems are increasing since video games are being introduced. Disease associated with bones and body posture seem to have the most drastic changes as people are healthier in the last 10 years. Not to mention, most people need to wear spectacles nowadays to help in their vision. I believe, that these have got to do with the ridiculous amount of time spent looking at those interactive images. Coming for self-defence: the self-claimed gamer once said that they manage to improve their English by playing more and more video games. Well, this is partly true as they may learn new vocabulary in a fun way compared to stuck-up their nose in a dictionary. Nevertheless, it only restricts in vocabulary wise, not in grammar as most of the games use simple everyday English rather than Queen’s English.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Preposition needed Original: regardless the gender and age Suggested revision: regardless of gender and age Why it matters: Regardless is followed by of.
- 2. Agreement Original: the young learns Suggested revision: young children learn Why it matters: The subject is plural, so the verb should be learn.
- 3. Natural phrase Original: following their parents’ steps Suggested revision: following in their parents' footsteps Why it matters: This is the standard idiom.
- 4. Meaning error Original: exposing gadgets to toddlers Suggested revision: exposing toddlers to gadgets Why it matters: Toddlers are exposed to gadgets, not the other way round.
- 5. Collocation Original: negative effects towards their growth Suggested revision: negative effects on their development Why it matters: Effects on development is the natural phrase.
- 6. Pronoun agreement Original: use it in a proper manner Suggested revision: use them properly Why it matters: Video games is plural, so use them.
- 7. Comma error Original: Teenagers, usually have Suggested revision: Teenagers usually have Why it matters: Do not place a comma between the subject and verb.
- 8. Wrong verb Original: delivering their everyday chores Suggested revision: doing their everyday chores Why it matters: People do chores; they do not deliver them.
- 9. Tense consistency Original: They began to neglect Suggested revision: They begin to neglect Why it matters: The essay is discussing a general present situation.
- 10. Collocation Original: the reason of aggressiveness Suggested revision: a reason for aggression Why it matters: Reason for is the correct phrase, and aggression is the better noun.
- 11. Natural phrase Original: cut out from the outer world Suggested revision: cut off from the outside world Why it matters: Cut off from is the correct expression.
- 12. Agreement Original: The vulnerable group - the young adults, is Suggested revision: This vulnerable group, young adults, is Why it matters: The punctuation and subject need to be controlled.
Suggested Rewrites
- regardless the gender and age regardless of gender and age
- the young learns young children learn
- following their parents’ steps following in their parents' footsteps
- exposing gadgets to toddlers exposing toddlers to gadgets
- negative effects towards their growth negative effects on their development
- use it in a proper manner use them properly
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response clearly argues that video games can be harmful and gives several drawbacks, but the benefits are handled briefly and there is no final conclusion comparing the two sides.
Add a conclusion that directly states whether the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, and evaluate the educational benefit more fairly before rejecting it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are grouped by addiction, aggression, health, and one benefit, but paragraphing is absent and some transitions are abrupt.
Divide the essay into clear paragraphs and use topic sentences to show how each drawback supports your overall judgement.
Lexical Resource
Topic vocabulary is generally relevant, with addiction, aggression, vulnerable group, and vocabulary, but some collocations and word forms are inaccurate.
Use precise phrases such as exposure to screens, take responsibility, violent content, sedentary habits, and limited language benefits.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts a range of structures, but frequent article, preposition, agreement, and clause errors affect fluency.
Focus on correcting prepositions after regardless, effects on, reason for, tendency to, and restrictions to.