Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Nowadays, it is an important question whether we should let our young children play computer games or the games should be banned. While some people think it is fine for their children to play, others believe it is unacceptable. As far as I am concerned, the disadvantages of video games outweigh the advantages. First of all, the possible benefits of computer games should be mentioned. There is a wide range of games created for educational purposes, especially for the very young children. This allows kids to learn how to use modern computers as well as some new information from the educational game. Additionally, for youngsters, games can keep them from bad companies. They can simply sit home communicating with their friends and having fun instead. However, the number of drawbacks also takes place. Modern games are expensive and usually involve further purchases while the game is being played. Another aspect is the time children spend on computer games. Instead of education and learning, kids waste hours online even without breaks, thereby influencing the condition of their health. The most considerable disadvantage in video games is cruelty. Although there are age limits, parents still buy such games for their infants. As we know, there have been a few cases when children took guns and shoot innocent people on the street. The computer games have the negative effects on health and psychology as well. Young students who are addicted to games often perform poorly on academic studies. To sum up, although there are fun and educational games, the most of the modern video games are violent and cruel, and this may have dreadful consequences. Therefore, I believe there are more drawbacks than benefits.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Narrow focus Original: our young children Suggested revision: children and young people Why it matters: The task is about people who play video games, not only very young children.
- 2. Basic linker Original: First of all Suggested revision: One possible benefit is that Why it matters: This directly signals the benefit side of the discussion.
- 3. Article use Original: the very young children Suggested revision: very young children Why it matters: No article is needed when speaking generally.
- 4. Vague phrase Original: some new information Suggested revision: new concepts or skills Why it matters: This is more specific for educational games.
- 5. Wrong collocation Original: from bad companies Suggested revision: away from bad company Why it matters: Bad company is the idiomatic phrase for harmful peers.
- 6. Preposition needed Original: sit home communicating Suggested revision: sit at home communicating Why it matters: The phrase needs at before home.
- 7. Wrong transition Original: the number of drawbacks also takes place Suggested revision: there are also several drawbacks Why it matters: Takes place does not fit this meaning.
- 8. Specific wording Original: further purchases Suggested revision: additional in-game purchases Why it matters: This is a more precise phrase for modern games.
- 9. Preposition choice Original: the time children spend on computer games Suggested revision: the time children spend playing computer games Why it matters: Spend time is commonly followed by an -ing form.
- 10. Unnatural phrase Original: influencing the condition of their health Suggested revision: harming their health Why it matters: This is clearer and more direct.
- 11. Preposition error Original: The most considerable disadvantage in video games Suggested revision: The most serious disadvantage of video games Why it matters: Disadvantage of is the correct pattern.
- 12. Precise noun Original: cruelty Suggested revision: violent content Why it matters: Violent content is more specific and academic.
Suggested Rewrites
- our young children children and young people
- First of all One possible benefit is that
- the very young children very young children
- some new information new concepts or skills
- from bad companies away from bad company
- sit home communicating sit at home communicating
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay gives a clear opinion that drawbacks outweigh benefits and covers both sides, but some claims about violence are overgeneralised and need more careful support.
Balance the discussion by explaining two concrete drawbacks and one limited benefit, then qualify strong claims about real-world violence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has a logical order from benefits to drawbacks to conclusion, but the entire essay is one paragraph and some transitions are abrupt.
Use separate paragraphs for introduction, benefits, drawbacks, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate for the topic, with some useful phrases, but word choice is sometimes repetitive or inaccurate.
Use terms such as educational games, screen time, in-game purchases, violent content, addiction, and academic performance.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is mostly clear, though article errors, awkward noun phrases, and occasional tense errors remain.
Check articles before plural/general nouns and use concise structures when discussing causes and effects.