Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
The issue whether the video games are in its usefulness or in harmfulness for the people is very controversial one. On the one hand, the most of the gamers I know, are very clever persons. On the other hand, there are those who think that person who is sitting in front of a computer all day long cannot be an educated person. However, in my point of view, I think that any kind of game can be useful. In the following paragraphs, I will try to bring up some advantages and disadvantages of the issue.
There are few main arguments that can be advanced to support the issue about computer games as a fun or educational tool. First of all, the computer games help to cure some mental problems and educate at the same time. For example, some problems with eyes, nerves etc. In that kind of games, a person has to count and follow the birds and at the same time to listen to music. The second reason, games help people to think logically. In the early age they develop a child’s thinking, concentration, motivation, why not help with reading etc. For example, in some video games, you have to pick up keys and remember some words for opening doors or codes.
On the other side, it is not a secret that nowadays with developing of computer and different kinds of games, people spend much time in front of a computer, which brings to our isolation from the world. Furthermore, people spend so much time for playing games that forget about other more important things, as a face to face contact, walking, playing real games not virtual.
In conclusion, in my opinion, every person has to have a measure of the time and not to spend all the time doing the same thing.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unclear structure Original: The issue whether the video games are in its usefulness or in harmfulness Suggested revision: The issue of whether video games are useful or harmful Why it matters: The original wording is ungrammatical and unclear.
- 2. Missing article Original: very controversial one Suggested revision: a very controversial one Why it matters: The noun phrase needs an article.
- 3. Extra article Original: the most of the gamers Suggested revision: most of the gamers Why it matters: Do not use the before most of in this structure.
- 4. Natural plural Original: very clever persons Suggested revision: very clever people Why it matters: People is more natural than persons here.
- 5. Missing article Original: person who is sitting Suggested revision: a person who is sitting Why it matters: Person is singular and countable.
- 6. Answer the question Original: I think that any kind of game can be useful Suggested revision: I think the benefits can outweigh the drawbacks if gaming time is controlled Why it matters: This would directly answer the outweigh question.
- 7. Quantifier Original: There are few main arguments Suggested revision: There are a few main arguments Why it matters: A few means some; few means not many.
- 8. Unclear example Original: some problems with eyes, nerves etc. Suggested revision: some visual or cognitive skills Why it matters: The original example is vague and medically unclear.
- 9. Unneeded to Original: games help people to think logically Suggested revision: games help people think logically Why it matters: Help can be followed directly by the base verb.
- 10. Noun form Original: with developing of computer Suggested revision: with the development of computers Why it matters: Use development of and a plural noun.
- 11. Wrong collocation Original: brings to our isolation from the world Suggested revision: leads to isolation from the real world Why it matters: Lead to isolation is the natural phrase.
- 12. Missing subject Original: that forget about other more important things Suggested revision: that they forget about other more important things Why it matters: The clause needs a subject.
Suggested Rewrites
- The issue whether the video games are in its usefulness or in harmfulness The issue of whether video games are useful or harmful
- very controversial one a very controversial one
- the most of the gamers most of the gamers
- very clever persons very clever people
- person who is sitting a person who is sitting
- I think that any kind of game can be useful I think the benefits can outweigh the drawbacks if gaming time is controlled
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both benefits and drawbacks of video games and gives a general positive view, but it never clearly answers whether drawbacks outweigh benefits. Some examples, especially curing eye and nerve problems, are unclear or weakly supported.
State directly whether the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, then develop one strong benefit and one serious drawback before weighing them.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is paragraphing and a basic two-sided structure. However, progression is weakened by unclear introductory framing, a brief conclusion, and some abrupt links between examples.
Use a thesis sentence in the introduction and a conclusion that summarises your weighing of benefits against drawbacks.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for the topic, including educational tool, mental problems, think logically, isolation, and face to face contact. However, word choice and collocation errors are frequent, such as in its usefulness or harmfulness, develop a child's thinking, and have a measure of the time.
Use natural phrases: whether video games are useful or harmful, develop children's thinking skills, social isolation, and limit screen time.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally clear, but errors in articles, plural forms, prepositions, and clause structure are frequent. Several sentences are long and awkward.
Check article use with video games, person, computer, and game, and simplify long sentences before adding examples.