Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Many people, and children in particular, enjoy playing computer games. While I accept that these games can sometimes have a positive effect on the user, I believe that they are more likely to have a harmful impact.
On the one hand, video games can be both entertaining and educational. Users, or gamers, are transported into virtual worlds which are often more exciting and engaging than real-life pastimes. From an educational perspective, these games encourage imagination and creativity, as well as concentration, logical thinking and problem solving, all of which are useful skills outside the gaming context. Furthermore, it has been shown that computer simulation games can improve users’ motor skills and help to prepare them for real-world tasks, such as flying a plane.
However, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. Gaming can be highly addictive because users are constantly given scores, new targets and frequent rewards to keep them playing. Many children now spend hours each day trying to progress through the levels of a game or to get a higher score than their friends. This type of addiction can have effects ranging from lack of sleep to problems at school, when homework is sacrificed for a few more hours on the computer or console. The rise in obesity in recent years has also been linked in part to the sedentary lifestyle and lack of exercise that often accompany gaming addiction.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the potential dangers of video games are more significant than the possible benefits.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Tighten the opener Original: Many people, and children in particular, Suggested revision: Many people, particularly children, Why it matters: This revision expresses the emphasis more directly and concisely.
- 2. Generalise consistently Original: positive effect on the user Suggested revision: positive effects on users Why it matters: Plural forms align better with the essay's general discussion of games and players.
- 3. Remove redundant wording Original: Users, or gamers, Suggested revision: Gamers Why it matters: Gamers already identifies the users being discussed, so the explanation is unnecessary.
- 4. Use restrictive relative Original: which Suggested revision: that Why it matters: That more clearly introduces information defining the virtual worlds in this sentence.
- 5. Choose broader noun Original: pastimes Suggested revision: activities Why it matters: Activities is a more precise contrast with the varied experiences available in games.
- 6. Clarify the skills list Original: as well as concentration, logical thinking and problem solving Suggested revision: as well as concentration, logical thinking, and problem-solving skills Why it matters: The revision makes the final list item explicitly function as a skill and improves list clarity.
- 7. Use a direct attribution Original: it has been shown that Suggested revision: research suggests that Why it matters: This wording is more direct and avoids an impersonal passive construction.
- 8. Use concise verb form Original: help to prepare Suggested revision: help prepare Why it matters: The bare infinitive after help is concise and natural in this context.
- 9. Tighten the phrase Original: linked in part to Suggested revision: linked partly to Why it matters: Partly conveys the same qualification more economically.
- 10. Signal consequence groups Suggested revision: Make the shift from school-related consequences to physical-health consequences more explicit within the paragraph. Why it matters: A clearer internal transition would sharpen the progression between the two kinds of harm.
Suggested Rewrites
- Many people, and children in particular, Many people, particularly children,
- positive effect on the user positive effects on users
- Users, or gamers, Gamers
- which that
- pastimes activities
- as well as concentration, logical thinking and problem solving as well as concentration, logical thinking, and problem-solving skills
Why this response received Band 9.0
This is a highly accomplished response with a consistently clear position, fully relevant development, seamless progression, and precise, natural language. Its only meaningful limitation is that the comparison could be made marginally more nuanced by explicitly weighing the educational gains against each major harm. The highest-priority refinement is therefore to add one concise comparative sentence while preserving the essay’s economy and control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully answers the question with a clear position and relevant, well-extended support for both benefits and drawbacks.
For an even more explicit comparison, add one concise sentence directly weighing the educational benefits against the health and academic harms.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses effortlessly through a clear four-paragraph structure, with cohesive devices used naturally and unobtrusively.
Preserve this concise progression while ensuring any added comparative detail remains integrated within the existing paragraph logic.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and natural, with effective topic-specific choices and consistently controlled collocation.
Maintain this precision while making the introductory phrase positive effect slightly more specific to the benefits later developed.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is used flexibly and accurately, with punctuation and sentence control consistently secure.
Continue varying complex structures while preserving the same exceptional level of grammatical accuracy and readability.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.