The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Gender equality being the buzzword today, the position of women has undergone a sea change in all dimensions of life overfrom the last couple of decades. It is a widely acknowledgedundeniable fact that the majorityfact that majority of women now work and are becoming a mitigating factor when it comes to child-rearing at home. Now the question arises, whether this trend ison this trend being the main cause ofcause attributing to the increase in juvenile crime rates? In my opinion, married women being employed could be one ofamong the many reasons involved in juvenile delinquencyadolescent delinquencies and I would like to take a middle-ground approachvia media approach to this moot issue.
The first aspectFirst, aspect to be discusseddiscoursed in this context would be the mammoth change in the status of womenwoman in recent yearssince last years. This change has had its influence on all social, economic and political spheres of life. In the present scenario, the prevalence of working women in partnershipsa predominance of employed female common partners is justified to some extent, because of the emergence of the new world economic order, globalisation. They play an imperative role in the society, unlike the past. Moreover, there are more female political figures than ever before fromon a worldwide perspective.
The fact remains certain that children of employed women are not well reared compared to their counterparts. Most of these children are forced to spend a major part of their formative periods with babysitterswith the babysitters or in kindergartens. Once grown up, they establish bonds with other people or students from different walks of life. Unattended or left alone, it is these bonds that become detrimental for them in the futurein future.
The rate of adolescent crime rates and delinquencies are increasing steadily over the last few yearson an ever increase since last few years. Most of the cases when examined carefullywhen transacted meticulously portray the absence of motherly care and diligence in the upbringing of the child. Another fascinating thing would be that a majority of such children are from families where both parents work. According to various studies conducted by experts worldwide concludevarious studies conducted by the panel of experts world over concise that whether employed or unemployed it is the carefree maternal attitude being the eminent reason behind the issue.
From the objective analysis on the above discourse, my conscientious allows me to conclude that regardless of whether a mother is employedirrelevant of being employed or not, it is the quality of maternal care during the formative period that should be accounted for the future prospectsprospective of one's childone’s sibling.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response offers a qualified position and organises its discussion into recognisable stages, with the later paragraphs engaging directly with childcare and delinquency. However, a substantial paragraph about women's changing social status does little to answer the causal question, and frequent word-choice and sentence-structure problems obscure several claims. Focus first on building a directly relevant argument with clearly explained evidence, then simplify and correct the language used to express it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The task is addressed with a qualified position, but development is uneven and one major paragraph is largely tangential.
Use every body paragraph to test the claimed causal link and develop other contributing causes that support the qualified position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and broad progression are apparent, although the sequence is weakened by an off-focus section and unclear local links.
Give each paragraph one directly relevant claim and connect its evidence explicitly to the essay's stated position.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad and sometimes sophisticated vocabulary, but frequent misuse makes several meanings strained or inaccurate.
Prefer familiar, precise wording and check the meaning and collocation of less common terms before using them.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are both attempted, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, prepositions, and clause construction reduce clarity.
Build complete sentences around clear subjects and verbs, then check agreement and article use before adding complex modifiers.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.