The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Sample Response
The diagrams compare the male and female employment numbersstatus in six different job sectors in two different years – 1975 and 1995. As is seen from the chartsgiven illustration, men were ahead of women in all six sectorswell ahead of women in all the job sectors in Freedonia in 1975. However, the scenario changed in 1995 and women's employmentwomen employment scenario showed remarkable progressa remarkable progress. According to the charts, men in Freedonia were visibly ahead of womenfemales in manufacturing, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, defence and non-defence sectors. In manufacturing, more than 600 male employees could be seen against only 300 female employees out of a thousand employees. Except in communicationsthe communication sector, the numberproportion of male employees was far greater than that of female employeesthat of females. Among the given job sectors, the public non-defence sectorpublic /non-defence sector had the highest number of employees while the defence sector had the lowest number of employeesleast ratio of employees. After 20 years, women's employment advanced substantiallywomen showed an outstanding advancement in these job sectors and they went well ahead of men in communicationscommunication, the wholesale and retail trade sectorwholesale & retail trade sectors. They becamebecome almost equal in number in finance and banking jobs while the gap between numbers of male and female employeesmale and female employees’ number reduced in defence jobs. The only sector still dominated by mendominated by the male was manufacturing and the employment figuresjob ratio in this sector remained almost the same as it was 20 years earlier.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The report is easy to follow and captures the major rise in female employment, supported by a useful manufacturing comparison. Its chief weakness is the inaccurate claim that manufacturing was the only male-dominated sector in 1995, since men also remained ahead in both public sectors. Revise the overview around exact sector-by-sector comparisons, then polish recurring collocation and possession errors to make the otherwise varied language more precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response selects several important comparisons across both years, but its concluding account of male dominance in 1995 omits the two public sectors and is therefore materially inaccurate.
Correct the 1995 overview by noting that women led in communications and wholesale and retail, while men still led in manufacturing and both public sectors.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information moves coherently from the overall change to details for 1975 and 1995, with generally effective sequencing and referencing.
Separate the two years into distinct detail paragraphs so the temporal comparison is even easier to scan.
Lexical Resource
The report uses a reasonably varied employment vocabulary, though several collocations such as "employment status," "least ratio," and "outstanding advancement" are imprecise.
Prefer precise chart language such as "number of employees," "smallest workforce," and "female employment increased substantially."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied sentence forms with generally clear control, but errors in noun modification, tense, articles, and possession remain noticeable.
Edit forms such as "women's employment," "they became," and "the number of female employees" for consistent grammatical accuracy.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Your response
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