The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The graph provides a visual representation of the percentage of population living in 4 different Asian countries, namely Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand and Indonesia, between the years 1970 and 2020, as well as possible predictions for the years 2030 and 2040.
Overall, Malaysia, Indonesia and Thailand reported a stable increase in the percentageprecentage, which is in sharp contrastcontrats with the PhilippinesPhillippines, which reported fluctuationsa fluctuage over the 70-year period40-years period.
Both Indonesia and Malaysia started to rise gradually in the years 1970 to 2020, and are predicted to grow significantly, Indonesia to over 60%Indonesia to approximately 55% and Malaysia to nearlynarly 85%, by the year 2040. Malaysia continued to rise after 2020reached its highest peak in the year 2020, after reporting the marked increase from 30% to nearly 75% of the total population. This is followed by Indonesia with nearly 40% of population growth, from roughly 15% to over 50%from roughly 15% to 55%.
As for the PhilippinesPhlippines, population of which experience volatilityvotality over the 50-year periodperiood, started to rise in percentage, reaching nearly 50% by the year 1990, which was then followed by gradual decrease in number, droppingdroping to approximately 43% in 2010. After this, the percentage started to grow and is predicted to reach roughly 55%nearly 65% by the year 2040.
Furthermore, Thailand, which is predicted to be the lowest proportion of city dwellersat the lowest point of the graph, startedstrated to grow in number moderately from under 20% of the populationalmost 20% of population in 1970. In 2020, roughly 30% of the population was recordedaccounted for this country and is predicted to rise up to 50% in 2040.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response successfully covers all main trends and provides a clear overview of urbanisation across the four Asian countries. However, inaccurate data reporting in places and frequent spelling mistakes lower the overall impact of the piece. Proofreading data points against the visual source and refining spelling accuracy should be the main priorities.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear overview and highlights major trends, though some specific percentage figures for future predictions are misread from the chart.
Double-check plotted data points against the axis to ensure exact figures, such as the 2040 projections for the Philippines and Indonesia, are reported accurately.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically into distinct paragraph blocks with a clear overall progression across time periods.
Use a wider variety of natural transitional phrases rather than repeating mechanical linkers like 'As for' and 'Furthermore'.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts to use flexible trend vocabulary, but frequent spelling mistakes and minor misuses of word form reduce accuracy.
Focus on correcting recurring spelling errors such as 'precentage', 'contrats', and 'periood', while ensuring accurate collocations when describing proportions rather than absolute numbers.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of complex sentence forms is attempted, though structural errors in relative clauses and prepositions occur occasionally.
Ensure complex sentence structures are fully formed, particularly when introducing participle clauses and relative phrases like 'the population of which'.