Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
In recent times, young people dedicate a significant amount of time to personal entertainment; as a result, they usually avoid spending time with their family members. Some people believe that youngstersthat, youngsters should engage in more family friendly activities, while others disagree with this notion and think that entertainment is more beneficialbeneficail for youngsters, a view I personally disagree with.with which I personally disagree.
It is evident that nowadays youngsters' busy schedules and educational obligations have a serious impact on their daily time management, so they spend a substantialsubstantional part of the day in learning facilities, namely universities, colleges and schools. Parental influence is an important factor inof young people'syoung peoples' personal and social advancement. Being constantly surrounded by family members encourages them to not only learn some important social skills but also establish strong family connections, which are important for solving challenges and complications that might occuroccure in the future, namely unemployment and displacement.
On the other hand, forcing children to give up on entertainmentthe entertainment will have a serious effect on their mental health, such as feelingsfeeling of loneliness and depression, as a lot of youngsters need some time for themselves after a long and stressfulstressfull day in order to relax. Younger people prefer to spend their free time surrounded by peers, instead of their family members, but this way of relaxation might cause profound problems as they are notaren't developeddeleoped enough to make the right decisionsdecissions without family interventions. Spending a lot of time outside also increases the risk of being robbed, exposed to illicit substancespoisoned and even abused, which will cause more severe long-lasting health and mental issues. Such problems will interfereinterfer with their career development process.
To sum up, I personally think that spending a significant amount of time with family members offers more benefits for youngstersfor the youngsters and is essential for their personal advancement.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay addresses both viewpoints and presents a clear personal stance throughout the response. The strongest aspect is the logical paragraph structure that attempts to develop ideas on family bonds and outdoor activities, but the argument is limited by occasional overgeneralized examples and frequent spelling mistakes. To raise the response to a higher standard, focus on refining word spelling accuracy and sharpening the direct relevance of supporting examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both perspectives of the prompt and clearly states a position, though some supporting points are slightly exaggerated or extended beyond the main focus.
Ensure all supporting examples directly reinforce the specific core arguments rather than drifting into extreme scenarios like crime or extreme illness.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear overall structure with well-defined paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas.
Use cohesive devices and linking phrases more naturally to avoid overly abrupt transitions between contrasting arguments.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic-related vocabulary is used appropriately, though noticeable spelling errors recur throughout the text.
Carefully proofread vocabulary to correct frequent misspellings such as 'beneficail', 'occure', 'stressfull', and 'decissions'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentence structures is produced with generally effective control, despite minor grammatical and punctuation errors.
Eliminate unnecessary commas after introductory phrases and refine article usage to improve overall sentence precision.