Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
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Sample Response
The debate over whether young people should spend their spare time at homespending young people’s spare time at home with their families remains a prominent issue, with advocates on both sides presenting contrasting arguments. Some people support that youth should remain at homexxx, while others hold a different viewstand differently, believing that it is crucial for young peopleone to entertain outside. After careful consideration, I am inclined to side with the latter viewpoint.
The main reason for my position is the logical consistency and solid empirical evidence behind itsolid empirical behind it,especially in relation to the fact that engaging in outdoor entertainmentdoing outside entertainments is beneficial for young people to relieve stressrelease their pressures and negative emotions. This belief is rooted in the understanding that going outside and being close to naturebeing closed to the nature is crucial for young adults' mental and psychological healthadults‘ both mental and psychological health in today’s competitive society, a claim that is substantiated by substantial research and data. For instance, studies focusing on the fact that the number of young people between 20-30 years old in Beijing who do outside activities regularly during their spare time for entertainment was 30% less than the figure for staying at home validate this perspective, further enhancing its credibility. Furthermore, it is undeniableundenialble to recognize that entertaining outside can also improve young people’s social skills and buildstructure their self-confidence, offering an additional compelling reason for my position, which rests on the premise that it is vital for young individuals to strengthen their resilienceenhance their heart.
On the other hand, the opposing perspective argues that staying at home with their families can improve young adults’ bonds with their relatives, drawing strength from the observation that many young people lack deep conversations or interactions with their family members, which possibly results in more conflicts withinbetween families. However, upon closer examination, this argument weakens due to the fact that without an outlet for stresswithout releasing, young people are more likely to show their negative emotions to their families which can create further conflictsmake more new conflicts among families. The reason behind this is that it is really common for ordinary people to be angry with their closeclosed family members or fight with them because of pressures. For example, recent data from government studies indicate that over 85% of people85% people demonstrate that they can be angry with their families due to high pressures at work in big cities in China, which raises doubts about the long-term viability of this stance.
In conclusion, after carefully weighing both sides, my belief that spending more time entertaining outside is necessary for young people to refresh their minds Deleteand enjoying outside family moments is a better choice remains unwavering.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay addresses both sides of the prompt and clear progression is present throughout the overall response. However, the development of ideas is hampered by repetitive template structures, vague filler phrasing, and placeholder content. To improve, focus on providing natural, detailed explanations and ensure precise word choice and grammatical control rather than relying on memorized formulas.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are discussed and a position is stated, though the development relies on unconvincing statistics and unfinished placeholder phrasing in the introduction.
Develop supporting arguments with realistic, fully articulated reasons and concrete examples rather than relying on placeholder text or artificial survey data.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear four-paragraph structure with clear overall progression, but relies heavily on formulaic transition phrases and repetitive template language.
Use more natural paragraph linkages and cohesive devices instead of overusing generic, template-driven transitional phrases.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient to convey meaning in places, but frequent word choice errors, incomplete placeholders, and inappropriate collocations disrupt clarity.
Focus on accurate word forms and natural collocations while eliminating placeholder markers and memorized phraseology.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, but grammatical errors and awkward phrasing recur throughout the essay.
Improve grammatical accuracy by proofreading for correct preposition use, subject-verb agreement, and proper clause structures.