Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
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Sample Response
The debate over how young people spend their free timespending young people’s spare time at home with their families remains a prominent issue, with advocates on both sides presenting contrasting arguments. Some people support that young people should stay at home with their familiesxxx, while others stand differently, believing that it is crucial for the youthyoung one to entertain outside. After careful consideration, I am inclined to side with the latter viewpoint.
The main reason for my position is the logical consistency and solid empirical evidence behind it,solid empirical behind it,especially in relation to the fact that participating in outdoor leisure activitiesdoing outside entertainments is beneficial for young people to relieve stressrelease their pressures and negative emotions. This belief is rooted in the understanding that going outside and being close to natureclosed to the nature is crucial for young adults'young adults‘ both mental and emotionalpsychological health in today’s competitive society, a claim that is substantiated by substantial research and data. For instance, studies focusing on the fact that the number of young people between 20-30 years old in Beijing who do outside activities regularly during their spare time for entertainment was 30% less than the figure for staying at home validate this perspective, further enhancing its credibility. Furthermore, it is undeniableundenialble to recognize that entertaining outside can also improve young people’s social skills and buildstructure their self-confidence, offering an additional compelling reason for my position, which rests on the premise that it is vital for young individuals to broaden their horizons.enhance their heart.
On the other hand, the opposing perspective argues that staying at home with their families can improve young adults’ bonds with their relatives, drawing strength from the observation that many young people lack deep conversations or interactions with their family members, which possibly results in more conflicts withinbetween families. However, upon closer examination, this argument weakens due to the fact that without releasing this stress,without releasing, young people are more likely to show their negative emotions to their families which can create further conflictsmake more new conflicts among families. The reason behind this is that it is really common for ordinary people to be angry with their closeclosed family members or fight with them because of pressures. For example, recent data from government studies indicate that over 85% of peopleover 85% people demonstrate that they can be angry with their families due to high pressures at work in big cities in China, which raises doubts about the long-term viability of this stance.
In conclusion, after carefully weighing both sides, my belief that spending more time entertaining outside is necessary for young people to refresh their minds and that enjoying moments outside with peersand enjoying outside family moments is a better choice remains unwavering.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay addresses both sides of the prompt and establishes a clear opinion, effectively maintaining a relevant focus throughout. However, its development relies heavily on repetitive explanations and template-like framing, which impairs coherence and lexical naturalness. To improve, focus on providing more direct, realistic supporting arguments and eliminating mechanical, formulaic language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position and discusses both perspectives, though the supporting ideas rely on somewhat repetitive reasoning and artificial survey data.
Provide more specific, realistic examples rather than invented statistical studies to support your points logically.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall structure is logical and easy to follow, but heavy reliance on generic transition phrases creates a mechanical flow.
Use more natural linking expressions instead of relying on rigid, pre-prepared sentence frameworks.
Lexical Resource
While there is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, incomplete text placeholders like 'xxx' and inappropriate word choices lower the naturalness and accuracy.
Ensure all placeholder text is removed and focus on accurate word partnerships rather than overly complex phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay contains a mix of simple and complex structures, but grammatical errors and awkward phrasing frequently emerge throughout the text.
Review complex sentence structures to eliminate grammatical slips, especially subject-verb agreement and word formation errors.