Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
This response is estimated at Band 7.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
In recent times, young people dedicate a significant amount of time to personal entertainment; as a result, they usually avoid spending time with their family members. Some people believe that youngsters should engage in more family friendly activities, while others disagree with this notion and think that entertainment is more beneficial for youngsters, a view I personally disagree with.
It is evident that nowadays youngsters' busy schedules and educational obligations have a serious impact on their daily time management, so they spend a substantial part of the day in learning facilities, namely universities, colleges, and schoolscolleges and schools. Parental influence is an important factor inof young people's personal and social advancement. Being constantly surrounded by family members encourages them to not only learn some important social skills but also establish strong family connections, which are important for overcoming challenges and difficultiessolving challenges and complications that might occur in the future, such as career setbacks or emotional stressnamely unemployment and displacement.
On the other hand, forcing children to give upgive up on entertainment will have a serious effect on their mental health, leading to feelings of loneliness and depression,such as feelings of loneliness and depression, as a lot of youngsters need some time for themselves after a long and stressful day in order to relax. YoungYounger people prefer to spend their free time surrounded by peers, instead of their family members, but this way of relaxation might cause profound problems as they are not maturedeveloped enough to make the right decisions without family guidanceinterventions. Spending a lot of time outside also increases the risk of being robbed, or exposed to negative peer influencespoisoned and even abused, which will cause more severe prolonged physical and psychological harmlong-lasting health and mental issues. Such problems will interfere with their career developmentcareer development process.
To sum up, I personally think that spending a significant amount of time with family members offers more benefits for youngsters and is essential for their personal advancement.
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay effectively addresses both views and presents a clear position supporting family time over outside entertainment. The response demonstrates good control of complex grammatical structures and a varied vocabulary suited to the topic. To achieve a higher score, the main arguments should be organized with clearer focus, ensuring that paragraph points fully align with the intended task discussion without contradictory tangents.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response covers both perspectives of the prompt and clearly states the writer's position throughout the text.
Ensure that arguments in favor of outside entertainment are fully developed on their own terms before offering counterarguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is presented logically, but paragraph focus is slightly compromised by mixing support and opposition within the same paragraph.
Group related points into dedicated paragraphs so that each paragraph explores a single main idea clearly.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic-specific vocabulary is used accurately to convey subtle meanings.
Continue refining precise word choices to avoid occasional awkward phrasings like 'give up on entertainment'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex sentences are produced with generally good grammatical control and correct punctuation.
Maintain consistent accuracy in long compound-complex sentences to prevent minor phrasing slips.