Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
In recent times, young people dedicate a significant amount of time to personal entertainment; as a result, they usually avoid spending time with their family members. Some people believe that youngstersthat, youngsters should engage in more family friendly activities, while others disagree with this notion and think that entertainment is more beneficialbeneficail for youngsters, with which I personally disagree.
It is evident that nowadays youngsters' busy schedules and educational obligations have a serious impact on their daily time management, so they spend a substantialsubstantional part of the day in educational institutionslearning facilities, namely universities, colleges and schools. Parental influence is an important factor inof young people'speoples' personal and social advancement. Being constantly surrounded by family members encourages them to not only learn some important social skills but also establish strong family connections, which are important for solving challenges and complications that might occuroccure in the future, namely unemployment and displacement.
On the other hand, forcing children to give up entertainmentgive up on the entertainment will have a serious effect on their mental health, such as feelingsfeeling of loneliness and depression, as a lot of youngsters need some time for themselves after a long and stressfulstressfull day in order to relax. Younger people prefer to spend their free time surrounded by peers, instead of their family members, but this way of relaxation might cause profound problems as they are notaren't developeddeleoped enough to make the right decisionsdecissions without family interventions. Spending a lot of time outside also increases the risk of being robbed, poisoned and even abused, which will cause more severe long-lasting health and mental issues. Such problems will interfereinterfer with their career development process.
To sum up, I personally think that spending a significant amount of time with family members offers more benefits for youngstersthe youngsters and is essential for their personal advancement.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay addresses both sides of the prompt and maintains a clear main stance supporting family time over outside entertainment. Ideas are reasonably developed and organized logically, though the paragraphing and transitions could be refined. To achieve a higher band, focus on reducing spelling and minor grammatical errors while ensuring each body paragraph clearly supports its distinct central topic.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both perspectives in the prompt and clearly states a personal position favouring family time.
Ensure arguments for both sides are developed symmetrically without blending opposing points into the same paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphs are used to separate main ideas, and cohesive devices generally establish a logical flow throughout the essay.
Improve paragraph unity by keeping all counter-arguments in the opposing paragraph rather than introducing risks of outside entertainment there.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic-specific vocabulary is used, though noticeable spelling mistakes occur repeatedly.
Proofread carefully to eliminate spelling errors on common words like 'beneficail', 'substantional', 'occure', and 'decissions'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of complex sentence structures is attempted with generally clear meaning, but punctuation and grammatical inaccuracies persist.
Refine complex clause structures and eliminate unnecessary commas to improve sentence precision and overall grammatical accuracy.