Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
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Sample Response
In recent times, young people dedicate a significant amount of time to personal entertainment; as a result, they usually avoid spending time with their family members. Some people believe thatthat, youngsters should engage in more family friendly activities, while others disagree with this notion and think that entertainment is more beneficialbeneficail for youngsters, with which I personally disagree.
It is evident that nowadays youngsters' busy schedules and educational obligations have a serious impact on their daily time management, so they spend a substantialsubstantional part of the day in learning facilities, namely universities, colleges and schools. Parental influence is an important factor inof young people'syoung peoples' personal and social advancement. Being constantly surrounded by family members encourages them to not only learn some important social skills but also establish strong family connections, which are important for solving challenges and complications that might occuroccure in the future, namely unemployment and displacement.
On the other hand, forcing children to forgogive up on entertainmentthe entertainment will have a serious effect on their mental health, such as feelingsfeeling of loneliness and depression, as a lot of youngsters need some time for themselves after a long and stressfulstressfull day in order to relax. Younger people prefer to spend their free time surrounded by peers, instead of their family members, but this way of relaxation might cause profound problems as they are notaren't developeddeleoped enough to make the right decisionsdecissions without family interventions. Spending a lot of time outside also increases the risk of being robbed, poisoned and even abused, which will cause more severe long-lasting health and mental issues. Such problems will interfereinterfer with their career prospectscareer development process.
To sum up, I personally think that spending a significant amount of time with family members offers more benefits for youngstersthe youngsters and is essential for their personal advancement.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay addresses both views and presents a clear position supporting the benefits of family time over outside entertainment. While the argument is broadly developed and easy to follow, some ideas are overly dramatic and tangential, such as mentions of robbery and poisoning. To improve, focus on developing realistic arguments, refining paragraph transitions, and eliminating frequent spelling errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
You address both perspectives and clearly state your personal opinion throughout the essay.
Ensure supporting arguments remain direct and relevant, avoiding exaggerated examples like crime or poisoning when discussing outdoor activities.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response maintains a clear overall structure with logically ordered paragraphs.
Improve cohesive devices between sentences so that transitions between counterarguments and main points flow more smoothly.
Lexical Resource
A good variety of vocabulary is used, though spelling errors are noticeable and recurrent.
Proofread carefully to fix repeated typos such as 'beneficail', 'occure', 'stressfull', and 'decissions'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
You demonstrate a mix of simple and complex sentence structures with mostly clear meaning.
Pay closer attention to punctuation, article usage, and prepositions to ensure greater grammatical accuracy.