The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Sample Response
The line graphs compare the number of male and female employees in thousandsin every thousand in six sectors in Freedonia in 1975 and 1995. At a glance at the graph, it is clear that women advanced well in 20 years in Freedonia in terms of their involvements in different jobs.
As can be seen from the graphs, among all the sectors, the non-defence public sectornon-defence public sector was the most popular employment sectorworking field for both genders in 1975for both the genders in 1975, in which, the number of men and women weremales and females was about 850,000 and 650,000around 900,000 and 700,000 respectively. Interestingly, the figures for both the genders in this sector remained the same even in1995, followed by wholesale and retail sector, where the rate of women employees was 570,000 in1975 which rose to 800,000 after 2 decades whereas the figures for their counterparts worked in the same sector stayed at a constant figure of 800,000 throughout the period. Likewise, in the field of manufacturing, the number of males and females did not changehad no change after 20 years remaining at about 650,000 and 300,000 respectivelyfrom 700,000 and 300,000 respectively. Noticeably, the number of men occupied in the field of communication and banking /finance remained steady during the time period at 300,000 and just over 400,000 correspondingly; whilst the figures for female employees in communication sector underwent a threefold increase from about 300,000 by 1995. Similarly, in the banking sector, women rose by more than three timeshad a fourfold rise to almost 450,000. It can be seen that only 25,000 women worked in the defence public sectordefence/ public sector in1975, while the figurefigures for men was about 225,000more than 225,000. However, the figure for womenrate of the former quadrupledrose by 4 times and reached 100,000 after 20 years whereas the figure for men fellfigures for the latter had a fall to 200,000.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response covers all six sectors and successfully conveys the broad growth in women's employment, supported by numerous relevant comparisons. However, its overview is incomplete and several figures or multipliers are inaccurate, especially for wholesale, communications, and finance, while long sentences accumulate grammatical problems. Prioritise checking values and grouping the most important trends into shorter, controlled comparisons rather than describing every sector in one dense paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All sectors are addressed and the main rise in female employment is identified, but the overview omits the contrasting male pattern and several details are inaccurate.
State that male employment was largely stable or slightly lower, and correct the wholesale figure and the exaggerated communications and finance multipliers.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has an identifiable overview and a generally logical sector-by-sector progression, but one very long detail paragraph weakens organisation and readability.
Group stable sectors separately from sectors with major female gains, using shorter sentences and two focused detail paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A range of comparison and trend vocabulary is attempted, but recurring awkward collocations and imprecise word choices reduce naturalness.
Use precise phrases such as 'number of employees', 'remained stable', and 'female employment rose', avoiding 'rate', 'occupied', and 'popular working field'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but agreement, articles, clause control, and comparative forms contain frequent errors despite generally clear meaning.
Break the longest sentences into complete units and check plural agreement in phrases such as 'the figures were' and 'the numbers remained unchanged'.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
Your response
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