Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Many people will be hard pressed to name one invention that has made a greater impact on young people's lives than video games. InAt this day and age, almost all children grow up being exposed to video games, and consequently spendspent a large amount of time playing them. Thus it is important to ask whether video games have any detrimental effect on children and our society as a whole. Firstly, video games provide a lot of happiness to a large proportiona great portion of the population. Because there isexists a great variety of games of different genres for kids and even adults of every age, most people will surely be able to find a game that interests them. As a result, they will derive pleasure from playing their game of choice and lead happier lives. MoreoverEven more, playing video games can also be a social activity at timesat times also be a social activity, where gamers meet up with their friends to play their favourite video game together. However, this initially innocent pleasureHowever, this at first innocent pleasure can quickly turn into an addiction. Seeing that many people suffer from depression and are dissatisfied with their life, it is easy to see how these people can become addicted to video gamesengrossed in video games. Often they provide the player with a fake sense of achievement, making them forget about their responsibilities in the real-life responsibilitiesso-called "real life". The game "WorldWord of Warcraft" is especially known for this, exploiting vulnerabilities in people in order to make a quick profitbuck. Unfortunately, the disadvantages do not stop there: A great number of video games rely on violence in their storytelling, which desensitises the gamer towards violent acts such as physical force or even murder. While many people argue that adults are able to differentiate between fantasy in video games and realitydifferentiate between the fantasy in video games and reality, nobody denies that children lack this ability. Although many countries have implemented policies to prevent young people from playing violent video games, these measures are very often not effective enough, and young children end up consuming and playing violent games. Begin a new conclusion paragraph here.In conclusion, video games certainly do have positive effects. However, it is my opinion that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages by far. This is why we as a society need to control the influence of video games, particularly when children are concerned. We often forget that a young mind is very susceptible to its environment, and that is why we should do our utmost to protect it.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response takes a clear position and develops a persuasive comparison of enjoyment and social benefits against more serious risks involving addiction, violence, and children. Its strongest ideas and varied vocabulary are undermined chiefly by presenting the entire discussion as one long paragraph, with a few lengthy sentences and language slips. Divide the essay into a clear introduction, separate benefits and drawbacks paragraphs, and a conclusion, while proofreading sentence boundaries and word forms.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers the question clearly and gives a developed view that drawbacks outweigh benefits. Benefits and harms are both discussed, with relevant points about enjoyment, social activity, addiction, violence, and children.
Add a brief weighing sentence after the benefits to explain why they are less serious than the risks, instead of leaving the weighing mostly to the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical flow is generally clear, but the response is written as one long paragraph. This seriously weakens readability and makes the contrast between benefits and drawbacks less controlled.
Divide the essay into an introduction, one benefits paragraph, one drawbacks paragraph, and a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, including detrimental effect, fake sense of achievement, desensitises, and susceptible. Some word choices and spelling errors remain, such as spent for spend and Word of Warcraft.
Keep the strong topic vocabulary, but proofread word forms and use accurate names and collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a good range of structures and meaning is clear. There are some errors with tense, articles, and sentence boundaries, especially in very long sentences.
Break long sentences at contrast points and check verb tense in general statements.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.