In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
There are several reasons that cause the health's breadth and fitness decreased whereas people's average weight increased. Honestly, this is a serious problem for health. Nonetheless, it can be solved by some thoughtful and prudent attempts.
First of all, it is related to the job. Some people, who work in the office, always have a long time in the office since early morning until night for six days and probably they just have a day to take rest. Because of that, they think that there is no rest time, so the amount of food consumption always raises but the sports programs like fitness is never done by them. When they have a leisure time, of course, they just sleep. In addition, one of the reasons of their weight is never doing sports although they are workers.
Furthermore, the activities of jobless, some people who are spending their time in their houses, just eat and sleep without doing any physical exercises like jogging. These activities enforce them to achieve a high weight and making the obesity problem. Fast food outlets and people’s dependency on them is another reason for obesity. To solve this problem, individuals need to put more concern on their own health. They should take a balanced diet, lead a healthy life, do some exercises daily and take advice from physicians. The government can take many initiatives like adding more sports facilities in the community; strictly control the junk food outlets, and encourage people to walk or use bicycles on the roads.
In conclusion, while they are workers or jobless they must be able to manage their time to balance the time for work, rest and doing sports like jogging. Although it is a simple sport but has a big impact on health. By doing this, the average of weight and health will balance.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong phrase Original: health's breadth Suggested revision: health levels Why it matters: Health's breadth does not express the intended measure.
- 2. Verb form Original: fitness decreased Suggested revision: fitness are decreasing Why it matters: The coordinated subject requires a present progressive verb matching the ongoing trend.
- 3. Consistent tense Original: people's average weight increased Suggested revision: people's average weight is increasing Why it matters: Use the present progressive to match the task and the parallel clause.
- 4. Concrete solutions Original: thoughtful and prudent attempts Suggested revision: practical measures Why it matters: This is a more precise phrase for policy and lifestyle actions.
- 5. General plural Original: related to the job Suggested revision: related to work Why it matters: Work is the natural general noun here.
- 6. Work-hours phrase Original: have a long time in the office Suggested revision: spend long hours in the office Why it matters: Spend long hours is the idiomatic collocation.
- 7. Time prepositions Original: since early morning until night Suggested revision: from early morning until night Why it matters: Use from with the starting point of a time range.
- 8. Natural noun phrase Original: a day to take rest Suggested revision: one day to rest Why it matters: Rest is normally used as a verb in this expression.
- 9. Intransitive verb Original: food consumption always raises Suggested revision: their food consumption increases Why it matters: Consumption rises or increases; it does not raise itself.
- 10. Agreement and phrasing Original: the sports programs like fitness is never done Suggested revision: they rarely exercise Why it matters: The revision expresses the idea directly and avoids agreement errors.
- 11. Uncountable noun Original: a leisure time Suggested revision: leisure time Why it matters: Leisure time is uncountable in this use.
- 12. Causal verb Original: activities enforce them Suggested revision: habits cause them Why it matters: Enforce does not mean cause a health outcome.
Suggested Rewrites
- health's breadth health levels
- fitness decreased fitness are decreasing
- people's average weight increased people's average weight is increasing
- thoughtful and prudent attempts practical measures
- related to the job related to work
- have a long time in the office spend long hours in the office
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay identifies plausible causes of rising weight and proposes actions for both individuals and government, so the main task is addressed. Nevertheless, ideas are repetitive and sometimes unclear, while frequent grammar and vocabulary errors reduce precision throughout. The priority is to organize causes and solutions into distinct, well-developed points, then express each causal link with accurate verb forms and natural health-related language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The task is addressed with relevant ideas, though development and precision are uneven.
Develop each main point with a specific explanation or consequence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is generally organized, though some progression and paragraph focus need improvement.
Give each paragraph one clear controlling purpose.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient for the task, but inaccurate collocations and word choices recur.
Prefer precise, natural topic vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning remains clear overall, but recurring sentence-level errors reduce accuracy.
Proofread agreement, articles, prepositions, and clause structure.