In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
In this contemporary era, with the tremendous improvements in cutting-edge technologies and innovations, people in developed countries are liable to various health complications, and their body weight is increasing, which has led to excess attention. There are many reasons for this sudden urge, and multiple precautionary measures are available to overcome these issues. The main objective of this exposition is to put forth the causes and the principle preventive steps to be adapted for better standards of living.
To begin with, most of the individuals who reside in well-developed nations are gaining weight drastically on an increasing scale and causing major concern to their physical and mental health. It is due to the humongous deviation of lifestyle in the current scenario. Employees who tend to spend maximum hours sitting at their work desks in offices are prone to excess trepidation and stress and are dormant, which alters their body mass index. This further leads to disorders such as diabetes, high blood pressure levels and cardiac arrest. Not only adults but also children are becoming obese with a lack of physical activities and persistent usage of electronic gadgets. Similarly, women have increased chances of becoming overweight due to the rapid fluctuations of their hormones, and they must control their diet and consume nutritional foods. Hence there is a wide range of complications which results in an alternation in body weight.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: tremendous improvements Suggested revision: rapid advances Why it matters: ‘Rapid advances’ is a more natural collocation for technological progress.
- 2. Remove lexical overlap Original: cutting-edge technologies and innovations Suggested revision: technological innovation Why it matters: The two nouns overlap in meaning, so one concise phrase is clearer.
- 3. Correct word choice Original: are liable to various health complications Suggested revision: are susceptible to various health problems Why it matters: ‘Liable to complications’ is an unnatural way to describe vulnerability to illness.
- 4. Clarify intended meaning Original: which has led to excess attention Suggested revision: which has attracted considerable attention Why it matters: ‘Excess attention’ does not clearly express that the trend has become a public concern.
- 5. Name the trend Original: this sudden urge Suggested revision: this trend Why it matters: ‘Urge’ refers to a strong desire and cannot describe rising weight and declining health.
- 6. Use precise measure Original: precautionary Suggested revision: corrective Why it matters: The measures are intended to address existing problems rather than merely prevent risk.
- 7. Correct word form Original: principle Suggested revision: principal Why it matters: ‘Principal’ is the adjective meaning main, whereas ‘principle’ is a noun.
- 8. Correct verb choice Original: adapted Suggested revision: adopted Why it matters: Measures are adopted when they are accepted and put into practice.
- 9. Remove awkward repetition Original: gaining weight drastically on an increasing scale Suggested revision: gaining weight rapidly Why it matters: The original phrase redundantly repeats the idea of an increase.
- 10. Correct preposition Original: to Suggested revision: for Why it matters: ‘Concern for their health’ requires the preposition ‘for’.
- 11. Use natural phrasing Original: humongous deviation of lifestyle Suggested revision: major changes in lifestyle Why it matters: The original phrase is informal and uses an unsuitable collocation.
- 12. Fix quantity phrase Original: maximum Suggested revision: long Why it matters: ‘Long hours’ is the natural expression for an extended period at work.
Suggested Rewrites
- tremendous improvements rapid advances
- cutting-edge technologies and innovations technological innovation
- are liable to various health complications are susceptible to various health problems
- which has led to excess attention which has attracted considerable attention
- this sudden urge this trend
- precautionary corrective
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response’s strongest feature is its attempt to explain several plausible causes through examples involving office workers and children. However, it stops before answering the required solutions part and is also below the expected length, leaving the task substantially incomplete. The highest priority is to add a fully developed solutions paragraph that directly matches the causes already identified, followed by a concise conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response develops several relevant causes but completely omits the requested measures and ends without completing the task.
Develop practical solutions linked to sedentary work, device use, and poor diet, then close with a clear conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas within the causes paragraph generally progress logically, but the two-paragraph structure is incomplete and some connections are imprecise.
Use separate paragraphs for causes and solutions, with each paragraph organised around clearly related ideas.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonably broad vocabulary, but frequent awkward or inaccurate choices such as sudden urge and humongous deviation reduce precision.
Prefer natural, topic-specific wording and check that ambitious vocabulary conveys the intended meaning accurately.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of simple and complex structures communicates the main ideas, despite recurring agreement, article, and sentence-control errors.
Improve subject-verb agreement and revise long sentences so that each clause has a clear grammatical relationship.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.