In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
In many countries, the number of people who became overweight has increased and their health condition and fitness level are declining. This essay will discuss some of the reasons why these problems have arisen and some of the steps that can be taken to address them.
For a number of reasons, the average bodyweight of people in several countries is rising these days, and they have problems with the physical condition as well. Firstly, a lot of people prefer to consume in fast food outlets nowadays. It is undeniable that most of the fast food restaurants serve foods that contain fat and sugar, and as a result, those who frequently consume the food get overweight. Secondly, it is a fact business competition is getting tougher due to the globalisation, and people have to work for longer hours. They have to wake up very early in the morning to go to their workplace and arrive home late at night; therefore they have no time in doing some exercises. Consequently, many of these people have some serious health problems, such as obesity and diabetics.
There are several things that people can do to resolve the problems. One of them is that people should be more selective in choosing their diets. People should avoid in consuming fast food since they contain a lot of high cholesterol ingredients which are dangerous for their health. They should consume more of the healthier ingredients such as wheat, oat, vegetable or fruit rather than consuming fried chicken or hamburger. The other thing is that people should do more physical exercises and burn more calories in their life. One of the ways is by changing their mode of transportations. For example, they could change the way they commute from driving a car to riding a bicycle. It is not just making the body healthier, but bike riding also reduces air pollution as well.
In conclusion, it is true that many people are having problems with bodyweight and health conditions these days. The problems are mostly caused by the unhealthy lifestyles and there are several things that people could do to fix the problems. They should be more selective in choosing their diets and they should have more exercises in their life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Tense choice Original: who became overweight Suggested revision: who have become overweight Why it matters: Use present perfect for a trend continuing into the present.
- 2. Plural agreement Original: their health condition and fitness level are declining Suggested revision: their health conditions and fitness levels are declining Why it matters: The plural subject 'people' needs plural nouns.
- 3. Word form Original: bodyweight Suggested revision: body weight Why it matters: The two-word form is more common in formal writing.
- 4. General plural Original: the physical condition Suggested revision: their physical condition Why it matters: This makes the reference to people clearer.
- 5. Wrong collocation Original: consume in fast food outlets Suggested revision: eat at fast-food outlets Why it matters: People 'eat at' outlets; they do not 'consume in' them.
- 6. Uncountable noun Original: serve foods that contain fat and sugar Suggested revision: serve food that contains high levels of fat and sugar Why it matters: Use uncountable 'food' for a general category and add 'high levels of' for precision.
- 7. Condition name Original: diabetics Suggested revision: diabetes Why it matters: The disease is 'diabetes'; 'diabetics' refers to people with the condition.
- 8. Verb pattern Original: avoid in consuming fast food Suggested revision: avoid consuming fast food Why it matters: 'Avoid' is followed directly by a gerund, with no 'in'.
- 9. More precise wording Original: high cholesterol ingredients Suggested revision: ingredients high in cholesterol Why it matters: This phrase is more natural and precise.
- 10. Plural list Original: wheat, oat, vegetable or fruit Suggested revision: wheat, oats, vegetables and fruit Why it matters: Use plural count nouns for categories of foods.
- 11. Natural phrase Original: do more physical exercises Suggested revision: do more physical exercise Why it matters: 'Exercise' is usually uncountable when referring to activity in general.
- 12. Incorrect plural Original: mode of transportations Suggested revision: mode of transportation Why it matters: 'Transportation' is uncountable here; alternatively use 'modes of transport'.
Suggested Rewrites
- who became overweight who have become overweight
- their health condition and fitness level are declining their health conditions and fitness levels are declining
- bodyweight body weight
- the physical condition their physical condition
- consume in fast food outlets eat at fast-food outlets
- serve foods that contain fat and sugar serve food that contains high levels of fat and sugar
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers both parts of the question with relevant causes and measures. Development is adequate, but the ideas are familiar and some measures are described generally rather than evaluated for effectiveness.
For each cause, add a matching solution and explain why it would realistically change behaviour.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is clear, with one paragraph on causes and one on solutions. Cohesion is sometimes repetitive, and the long body paragraphs would benefit from more controlled topic development.
Use cause-solution pairing or clearer subtopic sentences so the reader can follow each problem and its remedy more easily.
Lexical Resource
Topic vocabulary is sufficient, including 'overweight', 'fast food', 'calories', and 'commute'. However, there are frequent collocation and word-form problems such as 'consume in fast food outlets' and 'mode of transportations'.
Memorise accurate health and lifestyle collocations: 'eat at fast-food outlets', 'do exercise', 'modes of transport', and 'people with diabetes'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses some complex sentences, but errors with verb tense, articles, prepositions, plurals, and sentence structure are frequent. Meaning is mostly clear but accuracy is limited.
Review verb patterns after 'avoid', tense consistency in the introduction, and singular/plural forms in common noun phrases.