In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
In some nations, people are getting heavier and standards of health and well-being are falling. This essay will suggest that the principal cause of these issues is the type of nourishment they are eating and submit a government education program as a viable solution, followed by a reasoned conclusion. The main cause of the health crisis currently affecting so many individuals is over-consumption of poor quality sustenance. Convenience food and junk food, such as microwave dinners, chocolate bars, McDonald’s and pizza, have become a ubiquitous part of modern life. Eating too much of these high-fat meals causes many to gain weight and this has knock-on effects on someone’s general wellness. For example, the movie ‘Super Size Me’ demonstrated that a person who eats this kind of food all the time will not only get fat but also suffer from such things as raised blood pressure and even fatty liver disease. The most practical solution to this problem is a government-sponsored awareness campaign. An effective advertising campaign could warn of the dangers of a poor diet and hopefully, raise awareness amongst the public. This raised awareness of the problem would lead many people starting a healthier regime. For example, the U.K. recently lobbied their citizens to eat 5 pieces of fruit and vegetables a day and this resulted in a dramatic decrease in obesity-related illnesses such as stroke and heart disease. In summary, the current health crisis has been caused by an over-reliance on unhealthy food and states should curtail this by educating men and women on how to make healthier choices.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid repetition Original: Convenience food and junk food Suggested revision: Convenience foods and junk foods Why it matters: Using plural forms avoids the repetitive mass-noun construction and fits the examples that follow.
- 2. Name the food item Original: McDonald’s Suggested revision: McDonald’s meals Why it matters: The brand name alone is not parallel with the other listed foods, so specifying its meals improves precision.
- 3. Use accurate category Original: meals Suggested revision: foods Why it matters: The list includes snacks as well as meals, making “foods” the accurate category.
- 4. Use formal health term Original: someone’s general wellness Suggested revision: their general health Why it matters: “General health” is more precise and formal, while singular “they” refers smoothly to an unspecified person.
- 5. Specify health outcomes Original: such things as Suggested revision: conditions such as Why it matters: “Conditions” identifies the following medical outcomes more precisely.
- 6. Remove misplaced comma Original: hopefully, Suggested revision: hopefully Why it matters: The comma incorrectly separates the adverb from the verb phrase it modifies.
- 7. Correct verb and pronoun Original: lobbied their citizens Suggested revision: encouraged its citizens Why it matters: A country can encourage its citizens, while “lobby” does not express the intended public guidance here.
- 8. Use conventional measure Original: 5 pieces Suggested revision: five portions Why it matters: “Portions” is the conventional measure for a combined recommendation about fruit and vegetables.
- 9. Use standard spelling Original: over-consumption Suggested revision: overconsumption Why it matters: The closed form “overconsumption” is the more common modern spelling.
- 10. Clarify omitted noun Original: causes many to gain weight Suggested revision: causes many people to gain weight Why it matters: Adding “people” makes the reference explicit and avoids the compressed use of “many” as a pronoun.
- 11. Use formal wording Original: get fat Suggested revision: gain weight Why it matters: “Gain weight” is more appropriate than the informal expression “get fat” in an academic essay.
- 12. Avoid unsupported superlative Original: The most practical solution Suggested revision: One practical solution Why it matters: The essay proposes one measure but does not compare it with alternatives sufficiently to establish it as the most practical.
Suggested Rewrites
- Convenience food and junk food Convenience foods and junk foods
- McDonald’s McDonald’s meals
- meals foods
- someone’s general wellness their general health
- such things as conditions such as
- hopefully, hopefully
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in its focused cause-and-solution argument, which develops unhealthy diets and public education with clear explanations and examples. Its main limitation is organisation: presenting the entire essay as one paragraph obscures the shift from cause to solution, while a few collocations and grammatical slips reduce precision; the highest priority is to separate the response into purposeful paragraphs and polish the affected sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both parts with one clearly identified cause and one relevant measure, and each is supported by explanation and an example.
Broaden the response slightly by developing an additional cause or complementary measure while maintaining the same depth and relevance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a clear linear progression, but the single-paragraph format does not adequately signal the major stages of the argument.
Use separate introduction, cause, solution, and conclusion paragraphs so each central idea is visibly organised and easy to follow.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently wide vocabulary conveys the argument clearly, though a few choices, such as nourishment they are eating and lobbied their citizens, are imprecise.
Replace over-formal or inaccurate word combinations with natural academic collocations that preserve the intended meaning.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex structures are mostly well controlled, with isolated errors in verb patterns and a few awkward constructions that do not impede meaning.
Review verb-complement patterns, especially constructions such as lead someone to do something, and proofread longer coordinated sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.