In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
There is no denying the fact that health and weight are inter-linked. These days, obesity is alarmingly becoming one of the substantial concerns across the world, leading to an unhealthy lifestyle all around. In this essay, I will be highlighting some of the factors related to being overweight and some ways through which this issue can be tackled.
Seemingly, there are plenty of reasons behind people becoming a victim of obesity. To begin with, the rise in private vehicle purchase has discouraged people, to a large extent, from walking, whether to work, for shopping, or vacations. Second, there are only a handful of people who might be involved in exercising daily to burn extra calories. Moreover, the increasing consumption of junk food items has substantially contributed to calorie increase among people. For instance, one of the friends, in his late 20s, evaded exercising and healthy food for a longer time. As a result, he is now way beyond his ideal weight and has started developing heart issues at such a young age.
Modifications and alterations in sedentary lifestyle along with adequate diet can surely help address such an issue to a great extent. To put it in simple words, consumption and intake of calories should be as per the requirements of the body by keeping the height-weight ratio and age in mind. Also, one should take a balanced diet, one that is comprehensive and contains the right amount of minerals, vitamins, carbohydrates, and fats. In addition to this, exercising should also be an inevitable part of our daily lives, and this habit should be implemented in everybody, regardless of age. People should also be motivated to give up on their sedentary habits and lead an active life by going to the gym, jogging, running, walking and more.
I would like to conclude that inadequate food habits and non-active lifestyles are the real contributors to rising obesity. And, these can be dealt with attentively by calorie and meal planning.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use standard spelling Original: inter-linked Suggested revision: interlinked Why it matters: Interlinked is normally written as one word in contemporary standard English.
- 2. Use concise future form Original: will be highlighting Suggested revision: will highlight Why it matters: The simple future is more direct for stating what the essay will cover.
- 3. Name causes directly Original: factors related to being overweight Suggested revision: causes of obesity Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended idea more precisely and concisely.
- 4. Use natural relative phrase Original: through Suggested revision: in Why it matters: Ways in which is the standard collocation for describing methods.
- 5. Remove uncertain transition Original: Seemingly, there are Suggested revision: There are Why it matters: Seemingly introduces unnecessary uncertainty before a direct list of causes.
- 6. Fix number agreement Original: people becoming a victim Suggested revision: people becoming victims Why it matters: The plural noun people requires the plural complement victims.
- 7. Use precise concept Original: purchase Suggested revision: ownership Why it matters: Ownership describes the ongoing condition that discourages walking more accurately than purchase.
- 8. Use direct verb form Original: might be involved in exercising daily Suggested revision: exercise daily Why it matters: The simpler present-tense verb expresses this general habit clearly without unnecessary hedging.
- 9. Correct calorie collocation Original: calorie increase among people Suggested revision: higher calorie intake Why it matters: Calorie intake is the natural term for the amount of energy people consume.
- 10. Add possessive reference Original: the Suggested revision: my Why it matters: A possessive determiner is needed to identify the relevant group of friends.
- 11. Correct verb and parallelism Original: evaded exercising and healthy food Suggested revision: avoided exercise and healthy food Why it matters: Avoided fits voluntary non-participation, and the two objects should use parallel noun forms.
- 12. Fix duration phrase Original: longer Suggested revision: long Why it matters: Longer requires an explicit comparison, while a long time states the intended duration independently.
Suggested Rewrites
- inter-linked interlinked
- will be highlighting will highlight
- factors related to being overweight causes of obesity
- through in
- Seemingly, there are There are
- people becoming a victim people becoming victims
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay addresses both causes and remedies directly, using a relevant personal example and a clearly organised cause-solution structure. Its main limitation is that several proposed remedies overlap around individual diet and exercise, so the solution discussion is less varied and developed than the causes, while some awkward collocations weaken precision. The strongest improvement would be to develop one distinct systemic measure and explain exactly how it would change behaviour.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are addressed with relevant, generally developed causes and practical individual solutions.
Add one distinct policy or community measure and explain its mechanism and likely effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are logically grouped in a clear cause-solution structure, though some linking phrases are formulaic and solution points overlap.
Sequence the remedies by type and use more precise internal links to show how each differs from the previous one.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably broad topic vocabulary, but noticeable collocational problems sometimes make expression unnatural.
Use more natural combinations such as increasing calorie intake, avoiding exercise, and adopting healthier habits.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are used with generally good control, while occasional agreement, reference, and sentence-boundary errors remain non-impeding.
Check agreement and sentence boundaries, especially in long noun phrases and the concluding fragment beginning with And.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.